Page 111 of The Romance Library

‘I…’ I paused. ‘It’s difficult to talk about.’

Sharing the story always made me feel self-conscious, but knowing I was about to tell Theo sent a wave of embarrassment through me.

From what Theo had told me about his mother, she was loving, kind and caring. The perfect mum. Such a contrast to mine, who was neglectful and reckless. She didn’t even know who my dad was for God’s sake.

Theo’s mum had died through no fault of her own. Mine on the other hand might’ve still been alive today if she hadn’t done something so stupid.

It was yet another reminder of how Theo and I both came from different worlds.

‘You don’t have to,’ he said gently.

‘It’s just, her death was so pointless. She did some stupid things in her life, but that…’ My voice trailed off. Theo didn’t try to fill the silence, which I appreciated. I knew he was leaving it for me to decide whether I wanted to continue. ‘My upbringing wasn’t very stable. The early days, from what I can remember, weren’t completely terrible. Mum used to work a lot doing different jobs, so she’d leave me home alone most nights. That I handled. I knew how to make my own dinner by the time I was seven. Burnt myself a few times taking things out of the oven, but nothing major. But when I was about twelve, she got mixed up with a bad crowd. Started taking drugs.’

I swallowed the lump in my throat. Theo didn’t speak, he just rubbed my back. I took a deep breath and continued.

‘It got really bad at one point. That was when I started to borrow books from the library and read—to try and block out what was happening. When she brought round all those sleazy men, I’d lock myself in my bedroom, too afraid to come out because of what I might find. It was my way of coping.’

‘That must have been terrifying. I’m not surprised you needed something to help you push what was going on out of your mind.’

‘Yeah. Thankfully with the help of her one and only decent friend, Mum finally went to rehab and got clean. I thought it was all going well. But not long after I turned sixteen, she met a guy at a club she worked at. I never really took to him, but she was smitten. He bought her flowers and chocolates and one day he said he wanted to take her on holiday around the US, then island hopping around the Caribbean. She was so excited. I didn’t like the idea of her going away for a month with him, but she said he made her happy. When she went, she left some money—not much, but enough for basics. She’d check in every now and again, y’know, a quick phone call or text to say she was having a great time. The last message she sent said she’d be back in a few days. I was looking forward to seeing her, but then…’

I hung my head and fumbled in my pocket for a tissue. I didn’t find one, but Theo must’ve sensed I needed one because he pulled out a handkerchief.

‘Here,’ he said.

‘Thanks,’ I sniffed. ‘But then I was getting ready for school and when I saw a police car pull up in front of our block of flats, somehow I just knew.’

‘Was there an accident?’ Theo asked softly.

‘Although she obviously didn’t mean for it to happen, I’m not sure you can call it that. You see’—I paused again, trying to muster up the strength to continue—‘Mum stupidly agreed to be a drug mule. Apparently her stomach was stuffed with packets of cocaine and they burst.’ My voice shattered.

‘Fuck. I’m so sorry.’ Theo pulled me into him and I sobbed onto his shoulder.

Once I’d had a chance to compose myself, I pulled away. The sooner I got this all off my chest, the better.

‘That arsehole boyfriend of hers persuaded her to do it. That’s why he took her away. Mum’s friend said that she reckoned that because he gave her all the gifts and took her on that trip, she felt obligated to do it. He told her she’d be fine and that if she did it just that once, she’d get enough money to pay off all her debts. And stupidly she believed him.’

‘Those kinds of people can be very persuasive. Your mum probably felt like she didn’t have a choice.’

‘Maybe. But I just felt so angry with her. And I was embarrassed too. Everyone was whispering about it: the neighbours, everyone from school. It was even in the local papers. Dealing with what happened was hard enough, but having to listen to the gossip too just broke me.’

‘Who looked after you after that?’

‘No one. I never knew my dad. Mum didn’t really have any family here. She burned her bridges with all but one of her friends—the one that helped her, but she couldn’t take me in and I couldn’t stay in the flat. I managed to get into some hostels, but I didn’t always feel safe.’

‘That can’t have been easy. Did you stay on at school? If you were fending for yourself, I’m guessing you had to go out and get a job.’

‘Yeah. When I was at school, I had dreams of going to college and uni. I didn’t want to be like Mum, working different jobs and struggling to make ends meet. I wanted to make something of myself. But she died in my last year of school, so I couldn’t even think about doing coursework or revising for exams. I tried, but I just couldn’t. So I left without any qualifications.’

‘I think anyone who’d been through what you had would’ve found it difficult to focus on schoolwork then too,’ Theo said, looking at me with kindness and understanding in his eyes.

‘I suppose. My only focus back then was survival. I took on as many jobs as I could to pay the bills. I rented rooms and crummy bedsits. That’s why I think by the time I met my ex and he asked me to move in with him and offered me a decent job, I was so tired of always struggling to keep my head above water that I just went along with it. Even though our relationship had more red flags than a bunting factory. I fell into the same trap Mum did. Dating a toxic man. So you can see why I swore off men after that.’

‘Fuck. You’ve been through so much. I had no idea. But here you are. Despite everything, you’ve become an incredible woman. Strong, loyal, smart and determined. You should be proud of everything you’ve achieved.’

‘Thanks. Most of the time I don’t feel strong. I feel bloody exhausted.’

It was hard to have so much responsibility at such a young age. Especially when all my friends were out enjoying life, like I should’ve been.

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