Page 51 of Our Own Light

“You’ve been with one man?” Ollie asked, and Floyd nodded. “Did you kiss him, fuck him, what?”

Floyd winced. Why’d Ollie have to be so colorful about it?

“Don’t make it sound so . . .”

“Crass?”

“Yeah.”

“Sorry.” Ollie’s cheeks reddened. “So, can you tell me more?”

Floyd could see how badly Ollie wanted to know. But he had barely ever talked about his love for Matt before. Not even with Effie. Effie only knew everything because she had been right there when Floyd and Matt had started seeing each other. Talking about Matt was still too painful. Floyd had yet to make it more than a week without a nightmare about what had happened to Matt, one that hurt so badly it’d rouse him awake and leave him with the feeling that there was something heavy sitting on his chest. How could he ever even begin to talk about the man he had lost?

“Me and him only ever kissed,” he said, purposefully leaving it vague.

“I can live with that.”

“But you couldn’t have lived with it if it had been more?” Floyd asked, trying to lighten the mood with some playfulness.

“No, of course I could have.” Ollie sighed, sounding exasperated. Obviously, Floyd hadn’t yet managed to figure out how to tease Ollie correctly when he was in one of these nervous, insecure moods. “But I wasn’t sure what else I was supposed to say. I’m trying my best.”

Floyd rubbed the back of Ollie’s hand with his thumb.

“I know. I was trying to be funny.”

“Oh. Well, that’s where you went wrong. I’m the only one allowed to be funny.”

“Yeah, Ollie, whatever you say.”

“Don’t mock me.”

Floyd playfully nudged Ollie with his elbow.

“I got to head home soon.”

“I know. And I have to struggle with washing clothes.” Ollie squeezed Floyd’s hand harder, making Floyd’s stomach flip-flop. “Can we hold hands again tomorrow?”

“I can come here after work.”

“I’d like that. I’d love it. But I have to be honest. I’m still not sure how to be right now. Like I said, I’ve never liked anyone before and I still feel a bit funny about it.”

“Because I’m a man?”

“Yes, and no. I mean, yes, a little, but it’s... Floyd, I’m scared out of my head right now. You could break my heart into a million little pieces.”

“I won’t.”

“Sure, you say that now, but—”

“I won’t,” Floyd repeated, trying to make his voice as warm as possible to reassure him. He knew Ollie still wasn’t too confident sometimes. After squeezing Ollie’s hand once more, Floyd let go. “Except to leave for supper. I told you what’ll happen to my ears if I’m late.”

“Yes, yes, I remember,” Ollie said. “But you’re right, my heart is a smidge broken right now.”

“I’ll come back,” Floyd said. “We’ll see each other at work tomorrow. As soon as it breaks daylight.”

“Breaks daylight,” Ollie repeated. “I will never not love every single adorable thing that comes out of that handsome mouth of yours.”

Floyd’s cheeks turned hot. He wasn’t used to these sorts of compliments.

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