Page 181 of Perfect Pitch

Food is the last thing on my mind when the only thing I feel like doing is wasting away much like my daughter did. Still, I glance over at the tray just for something different to stare at after the volunteer leaves the room. My heart accelerates at the small package of silverware. It becomes my sole focus.

My soul’s focus.

There’s a gleaming knife, likely intended to butter the bread on my tray. But for me, it’s the extra nudge pushing me to join my daughter in heaven.

Like a song, I can hear the ring of the clean metal as it whispers to me like a seductive lover.

Touch me.

Feel me.

Hold me.

All the words I prayed I’d hear from the man I love. None of which I received.

Trance-like, I extend my fingers, telling myself if the tray’s too far out of range, I won’t strain myself reaching for it.

I swear.

My fingers hook over the sterilized packaging and clench.

Easily.

Suddenly, fatigue washes over me—an absolute exhaustion that drops a thousand pounds of weight on my heart.

All my life, I have always been a burden—first to my mother, my family. My very existence is riddled with causing those I love distress. The words Mitch hurled at me that last night at Redemption cause my body to jerk, jarring the pain swimming through my lower body.

My fingers tighten around the wrapper, the edge of the knife pinching my fingers when I come to a conclusion.

Peace is just a few beats away.

* * *

CHAPTER EIGHTY-FOUR

Sometimes, shock drives you to destinations you never believed you’d visit.

—The Fireside Psychologist

“Can you tell me what you were thinking in that moment, Austyn,” Dr. Sonia Laurens asks me kindly.

I stare out the window at the hospital for long moments before I say, “I was willing to give up forever to touch her. She was gone too soon.” I shove my fingers through my hair and pull at the roots desperately.

“You wanted your child.”

I shoot the psychiatrist a look of patent disbelief. Anger surges through me. “Actually, I was thinking about fulfilling my promise to be an organ donor.”

“Austyn.”

“Christ! What a stupid fucking question! Of course I wanted my baby! I wanted that baby. I loved her father and he’s no longer in my life. She’s gone. My family thinks I’m a fucking abomination. What the hell did I do so wrong in this life that I’m being punished this way? Why didn’t you just let me die?” I sob.

Before I know what’s happening, a needle is inserted into my arm, and when I wake up, I’m back in my private room.

* * *

CHAPTER EIGHTY-FIVE

Where’s Winnie the Pooh when I need to be stronger than I thought I was?

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