Page 97 of Again, In Autumn

“He did,” I recall.

“Yesterday he acted like he didn’t know or even care to get to know you. I’ll be honest –” She pauses. “He was kind of mean about it.”

I blink at her relaxed posture, noting that she didn’t have to tell me that tidbit. She wanted to. She wanted me to know Adam professed his indifference to me, to have that hurt a little, and that’s okay. She’s bothered. She’s maybe a little hurt, too.

“Yeah. We’re not friends,” I insist. “I barely know him.”

She plays with a crystal on the windowsill and says, “You were dancing together last night.”

That’s a hard one to explain, but I try.

I say, “He was having an argument with Maggie and needed to get away from the table. I was the only one sitting there, so he asked me to dance as a rouse.” I pretend that the memory of it revolts me. “We barely touched each other. It was purely a sacrificial act.”

“Vienna, I’m not blind.” Her eyes narrow. “You like him.”

“Me?” I gawk.

Kate’s arms cross and she pops out her hip. I feel like I’m being scolded by my sorority sister. “I know that look when I see it.”

Adam has a look. One he gave me years ago, but he didn’t give me that look today. Our exchanges today were polite, maybe a little teasing, flipping a page back in time for the sake of reminiscing, but not the look. Even when he had me to himself, our bodies pressed together, the underlying context was need, not emotional attraction.

Not like, like. Certainly not love.

Boy, do I have this way of throwing myself right off the edge of the cliff. I exhale, breathing through the flicker of pain.

I squint at Kate, “No. No, I don’t –”

“It’s fine.” She rolls her eyes. “You’re allowed to like him. I understand. I mean, I like him. He’s handsome and funny and talented. He’s literally the whole package.”

I nod along, saying, “Sure, he’s those things but I’m not interested in him.”

Kate sighs. Her arms fall and she reaches up to take her ponytail out. Her curls shake out. “Okay. Fine. I just want you to know that I’ve noticed you flirting with him.”

Before I can deny this, she adds, “He may have been flirting back a little too, he’s a man after all, they can’t help themselves. But no matter what, I’m not going to stop pursuing him.”

She turns to the mirror on my wall. Her nails drag through her hair. Her confident shoulders sit back, her neck elongated, her eyes carefully assessing her face like she’s judging herself in a beauty pageant.

My eyes fall on my stretched-out pajamas and stringy wet hair.

All this time I measured current me against my eighteen-year-old self. I envied her because she entranced him, and I hated her because she let him go. I’m not that girl anymore. I couldn’t possibly be enough for Adam now.

I swallow, a pocket of emotion beginning in my old lady throat, and offer, “Katie, you have nothing to worry about with me and Adam.”

“If you say so.”

“Really. I’m the last kind of girl he could ever be interested in, and he’s not my type at all.”

She throws me a look. “He’s everybody’s type. He’s like Ryan Gosling. My grandmother would try to take him from me.”

“I’m not into famous musician types,” I answer, grappling for anything that would make this conversation end.

Kate spins around and sticks her hands on her hips, exhaling loudly. “Okay, well, I just wanted you to know where my head was. I know he hasn’t made a move on me yet, but I’m not giving up.”

I nod. “As well you shouldn’t.”

She pauses. “I love you. I don’t want to fight over a boy with you.”

“I love you, too,” I say slowly, sensing there’s more to her statement.

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