Page 33 of Again, In Autumn

“Yeah, you know, Alice’s stomach wouldn’t allow her to leave home.” I laugh self-deprecatingly. “That’s what I’m good for! In-house babysitter.”

Sad, single aunt duty, I almost add.

I hate this version of myself, but I don’t know what else to do or say. My focus starts on Copper and then moves to the road ahead, denying my desire to stare at Adam’s house, and I open my mouth to bid Maggie farewell.

Her cheeks pinch as she sizes me up. “They were talking about that summer a bunch last night. It was fun to hear.”

“Oh yeah?” I respond, my interest piqued. I try not to look too eager to know what Adam said. It wouldn’t have been about me anyway. “What did they talk about?”

“Well, I just thought it was weird that you and Adam didn’t hang out,” she says with a raised brow. “The three of them said you weren’t around much. It struck me as odd since you both are the same age and you’re obviously his type. He would have never shied away from –”

“What type?” I blurt out. My heart knocks against my chest.

Absently, she responds, “Well, you’re very pretty. So, there’s that. He was an eighteen-year-old boy, after all. But even more, Adam always liked girls who were natural. Themselves. From what Francesca said, you come across quite…solid.” She smiles against the morning sun. “Even this tiny bit I’ve spoken to you, you seem like you could withstand the force of someone else’s opinion.”

My throat goes dry. It must be a family thing, that word: solid. It’s one of the first compliments Adam ever paid me.

We’d been in town, getting ice cream early in the summer. I had on ripped jean shorts that were too long to be cute, an oversized Captain’s Lake shirt, and worn dirt-ridden mesh water shoes. My hair was a tangled mess. David and Francesca sat with his local friends at a table far away, the girls all cute in jean skirts and halter tops and more makeup than a drag queen.

I felt too bad about myself to sit with them. I was surprised when Adam joined me on the bench.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Nothing,” I mumbled, glancing at a townie girl who stared at me. She laughed. I couldn’t know the reason for her reaction, but my insecurities attacked. “I just feel a little ugly right now.”

He slid an inch closer to me. Our shoulders touched. “Well, you’re not,” he offered.

I threw him a look. “Just let me hate myself for a second.”

“No.” He bounced his sneakers against my shoes.

He didn’t look quite as disheveled as me, but he didn’t have a sweater tied around his shoulders and squeaky-clean hands. I knew those things didn’t matter to the well-dressed girls primping themselves and pretending to listen to Francesca speak. An attractive boy is an attractive boy. They could buy him new clothes.

“You don’t have to sit with me,” I winced.

Adam caught my wrist, the first time he ever touched me on purpose. “I like sitting with you. I like talking to you. And getting to know you.”

“Even though I’m not cute and pretty?” I snapped, shoveling ice cream into my mouth.

He insisted, “You’re everything you want to be, Vienna.” He paused. I swallowed my ice cream.

I’d never looked at anyone as if no one else existed. I’d never felt part of a duet that only I could hear. Every other relationship in my life had fallen into place normally, through family, school, cheerleading. Looking at Adam right then was a choice with unknown consequences.

His hand settled on the wood bench beside mine. His fingers spread. Then, he covered my skin with his warm grip. Looking at our connection, he continued, “You’re solid. Steady. You’re not going to let anyone tell you who to be.”

Presently, I push away that memory because I wasn’t what Adam thought and I did exactly the opposite of what he said. I did everything someone told me to do.

Opposite Maggie, I laugh out of my thoughts, tightening my ponytail.

“Well, we didn’t spend a lot of time together that summer because I’m not super outdoorsy,” I say. “They were always hiking and boating and wanting to be outside. I’m more of an indoor gal. Big fan of air conditioning. You could get me outside now but there’s got to be food and a flask involved.”

“Well, a solid lady knows who she is,” Maggie laughs.

We watch Copper sniff around piles of leaves.

She adds, “I honestly don’t know who Adam’s type would be nowadays, he’s so secretive.”

Don’t ask. Don’t ask. Don’t ask.

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