Page 101 of Those Two Words

When I start reading, I don’t stop, despite how my heart tumbles with every word.

To the boy who made me a father,

I have no idea why I’m writing this letter. I’m sitting in my office as you finish up your first shift as bar manager and I thought I would share some sage words of wisdom. We know I’m good at that.

But first I’d like to tell you a story, so bear with me.

I once met a woman who I instantly fell in love with, but I was too chicken shit to talk to her. When I finally found the courage, I didn’t ask her out on a date like I had planned, no that would come later, but we did become good friends. I cherished those years of friendship, but I knew deep in my bones this wasn’t what fate had planned for us. When I finally asked her out, she rolled her eyes and responded with, “Well, what took you so long?”

That woman soon became my wife, made me a father, and is the love of my life.

But you call her Mom.

Your mom was my best friend before anything else, and I can’t believe I almost let a future with her pass me by.

I suppose my advice is to not make the same mistake I almost did. It can be scary to ask for what we want, but isn’t that what life’s about? Facing our fears and not living with regrets.

Get your head out of your ass, son, and go after what you want.

I’m so proud of the man that you are.

Tomorrow is a new day, Patrick. Make it count. Let the failures of today build the foundations of tomorrow.

All my love, Dad

A whoosh of air leaves me and I realize it’s the first breath I’ve taken since I read the first word. A broken sob follows closely behind as I read my dad’s words over and over, until I can no longer make out the letters through my blurred vision.

I can’t begin to understand what would make him write a letter like this, and over a decade ago no less. Was he ever planning on giving it to me?

It doesn’t take a genius to know what my dad is referring to in the letter. Clearly my efforts at hiding my feelings for Jo really were useless.

I’ve always trusted my dad’s advice, and that doesn’t stop today, even if he’s no longer here to see his words come to fruition.

If I only knew where she was.

Folding the letter up, I tuck it back in the envelope. From where I’m still kneeling on the floor, I pull out my ratty old wallet, knowing exactly where the Polaroid picture is going.

Jo told me the Post-it note I left her kept her going through the hardest of days, and as I slide the multicolored piece of cardboard out of its home, I stare at the one thing that helped me through mine. As I look down at paint strokes of blue, white, pinks, and purples, I’m reminded that Jo has always been close by.

Who knows why I never reunited it with the 999 other pieces, but when Jo left, I was grateful to have a small piece of her to carry with me wherever I went.

Despite its missing piece, the puzzle created a beautiful picture of a mountain range, with the sun setting behind it. The painting of the sky always reminded me of the sunset you could see from Anakiwa Lookout.

And it hits me.

I know where Jo is.

I’m still following my dad’s advice, because Johanna is my tomorrow, and every day that follows. But I’m not waiting until then to find her. I’m going after what I want today.

Ten minutes later, after rushing out of the house and trying to answer the slew of questions my mom was firing at me, I’m about to turn the key in the ignition of my old Chevy truck, when I stop to take a breath.

I bring my hand to the dashboard and tap it three times.

“Thanks, Dad. Love you.”

Then I start the engine and drive off to find the owner of the missing puzzle piece and my heart.

forty

---