Page 59 of Home Free

“Nothing much,” Julia said, sitting on the edge of the bed. “How are you holding up?”

“Just trying to keep busy,” Elise said.

Julia looked at the open suitcase and the two boxes. “I feel like every time I come to visit you lately, you’re packing.”

Elise heard the sadness in her sister’s voice. “True, but I almost literally didn’t leave the house for two years before that.”

Julia nodded. “I’m sure it feels good to get out again.”

“It does,” Elise said, holding up a pair of jeans that were too small for her. She folded them up and threw them in the donation box. “Scary but in a good way.”

“It’s scary for me too,” Julia said. “That’s kind of why I’m here.”

“What do you mean?” Elise asked.

“Just… I know I wasn’t very enthusiastic when you told me about your plan to leave with Finn. You took me by surprise, that’s all.” Her attention was drawn to JT, who’d started pulling clothes out of the box. “Leave those alone, JT. Those are Aunt Elise’s clothes.”

“It’s okay,” Elise said. “They’re going to the shelter. I’ll just refold them.”

Julia refocused on her. “Anyway, I don’t want you to leave thinking I’m not on your side. Because I’m always on your side, El. You know that, don’t you?”

Elise set down the T-shirt she was folding and bent to hug her sister. “Of course I know that, Jules.”

“It’s not you,” Julia said. “I want you to know that too. Worrying about you is like a bad habit. Either that, or it’s coded in my DNA as the oldest sister. I don’t know.”

Elise sat next to Julia on the bed. “I get it, but I have something to tell you too: I’m okay. Really.” She took her sister’s hand and had a flash of Julia’s hand in hers when they were little, Elise crying because she’d fallen on the slippery walkway leading to their gramps’ house. One of thousands of times over the years Julia had held her hand — in comfort, in solidarity, in happiness. “You don’t have to worry about me anymore. You were right.”

Julia shook her head. “About what?”

“About me,” Elise said. “I’m stronger than I thought. I know that now. I know it because of you, because you gave me the safety I needed to figure it out, to see it for myself.”

Tears shimmered in Julia’s eyes. “That was the easy part. It’s seeing you suffer that’s hard.” She looked down. “I don’t want to see you suffer anymore, El.”

“I can’t promise that,” Elise said. “No one can. Suffering is part of life. It’s how we appreciate joy and beauty and the times when things are easy.”

“Which is, like, never,” Julia said through her tears.

Elise laughed. “Listen, I’m not telling you I’ll never be hurt again. You’ll have to live with that part somehow, big sister DNA or not,” Elise said.

Julia snapped her fingers. “Damn.”

“Yeah, sorry about that,” Elise said. “I know you told me not to count on Finn, not to make plans that include him, and I know you’re worried about how things will work out for us. But I’m not, because I know that whatever happens, I’m strong enough to survive it. And you know what?”

Julia looked at her. “What?”

“I’m ready, Jules. I’m ready to rejoin the land of the living — the living and breathing and hurting and laughing and loving. I know it’s not going to be all sunshine and rainbows, but that’s kind of the point. It’s something I’ve learned locked away in my pain.” Elise shook her head. “Playing it safe isn’t worth it. Sure, nothing bad happens, but nothing good really happens either. Turns out, you have to take risks to really be alive, and I’m ready to take them.”

Julia leaned and hugged her so tight it almost squeezed the breath out of her. “I’m so proud of you. And I believe in you, El. I really really believe in you.”

Elise closed her eyes and tried to store the memory for later, when she and Finn were far away and the closest she would get to her sister was a video screen.

Finn. Where was he now? How long before she heard from him? Before she could really breathe again?

Her own words echoed through her mind. She hadn’t been lying. She was stronger than she knew, ready to take a chance with Finn and see where it led, but there was one question she hadn’t dared ask herself.

One question she couldn’t answer.

What if he didn’t come back at all?

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