Page 82 of Ruby & Onyx

All of the pain, the hurt, the numbness, and the confusion ebb through my body like poison.

I shake my head and whisper, “I can’t.”

I hear Olly yelling my name as I wind down the spiral staircase, but his words roll off of my back.

Chapter 36

Iwake the next morning to Moose groaning in his sleep. His paws are moving like he’s running in a dream. I consider waking him, but I’m not ready to pull him back to reality quite yet. After spending my entire life afraid of sleep, I finally understand that it is not dreaming that I should fear. It is reality.

Dreams end the moment you open your eyes. The monsters can’t catch you. The mistakes will have no repercussions. It is a land unto itself. But what happens during the waking hours cannot be undone. Whatever knowledge you come across cannot be unlearned. Whatever scars you gain cannot be unmade. What’s done is done.

Guylita was arrested for attempting to help me, as was the lady from the market. And in my gut, I know that I am responsible for Paul’s bitter end. I can’t change any of it.

I want to scream and cry and melt into the earth. The walls of my heart feel like they might rip at the seams. How can I go on living in this palace, pretending that everything is alright? Knowing that keeping me ignorant of my fate is worth more than the lives of other living, breathing people?

I simply cannot.

I cannot accept the arrangement made by my parents. I don’t know where I’ll go, but I finally found the clarity that I needed to make a choice.

I choose me, whatever that means.

I refuse to live in a world without trust, to be a pawn in a game where the rules are clear to everyone but me. Here, all of the choices are made for me. And if I step out of line to choose for myself, then other people bear that cost. I won’t stand to let it continue. From now on, the future answers to me.

The sun is just barely peaking over the horizon when I open the curtains. Its glimmering rays touch my skin and try to soothe me, coaxing me out into a world unknown. Inviting me to partake in a new adventure.

I will no longer be Radya, the orphan, or Radya, the future queen of Mendacia. I can be whoever I want to be. Radya, Moose’s mom. Radya, the school teacher. Radya, the painter. Radya, the woodworker. Radya, the crabby old witch that lives alone in a hovel.

A spark of hope burns bright in my veins as I imagine the endless possibilities.

A small voice in the back of my mind whispers, I’m coming.

I hear it and hold onto it, yearning with anticipation, as I grab a piece of parchment and a quill and scrawl a message to Gemma and Viola.

G & V,

You mean the whole world to me.

Thank you for being a light in the darkness.

Thank you for showing me that life goes on.

If we cross paths again, I’ll scoop you into my arms and never let you go.

Be well,

R

I tuck the note underneath the candle on the nightstand, knowing that I will leave soon after informing Vani and Eleanor of my decision. I won’t search for them to say goodbye, for it would only make leaving that much harder.

What about Olly? Our relationship is complicated - maddening, even. But he has been a friend to me. And my decision affects both of us. I need to be face-to-face to explain why I cannot marry him. A decision that I hope he respects, or at least understands. Maybe I’ll be freeing him, too.

That settles it. I’ll tell Olly goodbye, and then I’ll inform the king and queen.

Peace washes over me as I feel myself untying the binds holding me back. I can let go of this place, and of the idea that I hold some invaluable gift granted by the gods. Only I can determine what makes my life worthwhile.

I pack a satchel that only holds a small handful of clothes, but I do my best to choose versatile options. A pair of trousers, a tunic, some underthings, a pair of sandals, and a soft dress that’s easy to move in. I grab the knife left on last night’s dinner tray, as well as a canteen. Moose lets out another sleepy groan, and I realize that I’ll need to take him with me.

“It’s just you and me, Moose.”

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