Page 32 of Lost in the Current of You

I was always compared to my brother. I was always told how much more difficult I was to raise and how perfect my brother was in every aspect of life.

My brother, however, I was thankful for, he always had my back and never rubbed it in my face whenever Mum made the comparisons.

When we were younger, I resorted to acting out sometimes to get her attention, but then, as soon as I got home, she would yell at me before telling me, ‘Why don’t you act more like your brother?’. It would tear me apart every time, and I would retreat to my room. But Nate would always follow me, hug me, and tell me it was okay — that I was perfect the way I was.

Then, when we grew up, he would brave the storm and stand up for me and tell Mum to back off before she would get mad at him as well and walk away.

But his protection didn’t mean I wasn’t left with the scars of feeling like I wasn’t enough. As much as I wanted to deny that her words had any effect on me, they did.

But, I didn’t have my brother to run to today to remind me that her words are just words, reminding me of the phrase he always said; that they have no meaning to the beating muscle inside me.

So, I went to the only other place I knew I could go to gather my thoughts and have some time alone to clear my mind.

It was still early in the afternoon, and traffic was busier than usual, with everyone heading home for the day. It made it harder to hold the dam walls up with every minute I had to sit in traffic, slowly creeping forward, but as soon as I pulled up by the river, they burst right open. Tears immediately stained my cheeks as I leaned my elbows on the steering wheel and pressed the heels of my palms to my eyes.

I hated being so emotional. It felt so relieving to tell my mother all I had been holding back, but the confrontation of it all and her hurtful words had my hands shaking. Sobs shook my shoulders, and I let it all take over, not caring about the late afternoon runners and people walking by on the riverwalk and seeing this strange girl sobbing in her car. I let myself be vulnerable in the safety of my car, where no one could hear my scream of frustration. I’m sure I looked crazy. I felt it as I scrubbed the tears on my cheeks away with the palms of my hands and relaxed against the headrest with deep breaths to calm myself.

But as I opened my eyes, through the blurred vision of tears, I saw him through the windshield, pausing in his stride as his eyes met mine, taking in the clear remnants of my breakdown. I didn’t mind the thought of strangers seeing me like that, but having someone I know witness this raw, vulnerable moment I was having made embarrassment heated my cheek.

Anyone else I’m sure would have walked away just like the many other strangers wandering passed, but Reece subtly nodded towards the passenger side of my car, awaiting permission to join me in the solace I had taken up in my car. I don’t know if it was just the familiarity of him, or my need not to want to be alone at that moment, but a wave of relief swept over me. My shoulders relaxed and my hands fell into my lap. I nodded and unlocked my doors when he was near.

I was still mad at him, having not spoken to him in three days and ignored all of his texts of apologies and pleas to talk. But as soon as he dropped into the passenger seat next to me, the tightness in my chest eased with every bit of my senses he invaded, and I forgot why I was even mad at him.

He was in his baseball pants and a tight-fitted shirt, having just finished practice I gathered by the sweat that clung to his hair, but he still smelt like earth and sandalwood somehow.

I found a packet of tissues in the middle console and started wiping the remnants of mascara that stained my cheeks, busying myself on ignoring the anxious feeling building with his closeness. Then, his hand appeared in front of my face, stealing the tissue from my hand before nudging my head to the side with his knuckles to face him. I did so in a kind of daze, unaware of what he was doing.

I met his dark eyes as they simmered into mine with sadness, helplessness, and comfort. I melted into them as he skimmed his fingers along my jaw, holding my face gently. His other hand began to wipe under my eyes with the tissue he had taken from me. I didn’t remove my gaze from his, even as his focus strayed to my cheeks. The silence stretched out between us and I almost felt like crying all over again with how gently he cared for me.

He pulled away all too suddenly, and the absence of his touch on my skin sent a chill through me.

“Do you want to talk about it?” His voice was soft and careful.

My first instinct was to shake my head, but I also wanted to scream and curse and get all this frustration I felt out. It didn’t feel fair to unload that onto him, though it spilled from my mouth before I could really decide.

“It’s nothing really. Just my mum and I had a fight, and I'm just so damn frustrated. So—” I motioned to my face that I could see was blotchy in the rearview mirror. “—that’s why I’m a sobbing mess.”

His chuckle came out as a breath as he looked out towards the river in view through the windscreen.

He nodded with his next words. “I get that. My dad and I don’t really get along very well, so we fight a lot.” Then he smiled and looked at me, but it was a different than his usual ones. One that didn’t meet his eyes but told me he could relate to me. Somewhere between sad and understanding. “But, don’t worry, you still look pretty.”

I scoffed. “Are you seeing me right now? Think you need your eyes checked.”

He shook his head, and his lips softened around the edges. His eyes flickered between my own. With his molten gaze and that smile, giving just a hint of his dimple, everything faded around us, and I fell into this little world of just the two of us.

“I’m seeing you just fine.” His words whispered into the space between us, and I felt myself melting further. I couldn’t for the life of me think of why this thing between us was a line we couldn’t cross. Why everything with him was so complicated, but felt so simple.

In this bubble we had created in the confinements of my car, it would have been so easy to just lean across the console and touch my lips to his. To feel his breath intertwined with mine. To feel his hand brush against the side of my face to pull me closer. To just have one taste.

I snapped myself out of the daze as nerves took hold of me, and I remembered that this was Reece I was thinking about. Someone I valued too much to lose just for one moment of temptation.

I knew he would never see anything more developing between us. He proved it when he dumped our friendship quicker than a thought. I didn’t want to risk him running away again. But sometimes, I caught myself in lingering gazes and having illicit daydreams of him and I. Of what it would be like if I did toe that line and he gave in just a little.

“Come on.” Reece’s voice broke the silence that grew between us. “I brought a bag of peas. We can feed the ducks like we usually do.”

Just like that, it was back to normal. It was funny how he could flip with a flick of a switch. Like nothing even happened.

“But if I get attacked again, I’m using you as a shield,” he added as he opened his door.

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