Page 94 of Lost in the Current of You

I thought I had bombed the interview I had a few weeks ago because I was sorely unprepared.

But I got in.

A small noise came from the back of my throat as I read the whole email and excitement bubbled within my chest.

The only catch was that it was in Melbourne. It was a whole two states away and I wasn’t sure how it would go over with my family, especially Dad. But it was my ticket to freedom. For that past week, I’d been wanting to get out of this town and away from all the reminders of him, but I couldn’t just up and leave, knowing it would worry Dad even more than he was. So, this opportunity landing in my lap was like the golden ticket I had been wishing for. It gave me a reason — other than a broken heart — to leave this place in my rearview mirrors. A fresh start in a place where I could heal my heart in silence.

It may have seemed impulsive, especially when I knew absolutely no one in Melbourne, but I didn’t care. I grabbed hold of that opportunity and let it lead me away.

After a night of tossing and turning, my mind rolling over the reasons this move would be good for me and reasons why it was too ridiculous to think about, I resolved that I would run it over with Mum. If she had really turned over a new leaf and was really wanting to try, she would tell me the truth, if this was worth it or not.

I pulled myself out of bed that morning, a feat that I would have been proud of myself on any other day but my mind was elsewhere, determined and ready for however this conversation would go.

I texted her after I got dressed and she messaged back immediately which was a good start. It was a Saturday, so I wasn’t trusting just from that interaction that she was a changed woman.

It was the first time in over a year that I was going to her apartment. I didn’t expect much to change. Mum was a woman who liked consistency and control. The last time I stepped inside her home, it was cold and bare. It looked like a showroom with decor instead of family pictures, and sterile instead of warm aromas.

But when she answered her door and invited me in, I was shocked. Pictures of Nate and I as kids stared back at me along the walls of the entryway. It smelled fresh with hints of cinnamon in the air. She swapped out some of her white and expensive-looking furniture for ones of comfort instead.

It looked like a home.

I followed her as she walked to the kitchen, turning on the kettle before turning to me.

“Coffee?”

I nodded. “Please.”

She stirred a couple of mugs before we took a seat in the lounge room, sinking into the cotton cushions.

We took a sip of our coffees simultaneously before she focused on me.

“So, what did you want to talk about?”

I focused on my hands wrapped around my mug. Nerves coming to the surface even after my mental preparation.

I took a deep breath before starting. “I know you said photography would get me nowhere, but I came across this course that’s more hands-on, and it has a lot of opportunities for travel, or advertising, or having my art hung in galleries across the world. There are a lot of connections, and it would help a lot with finding myself, and my passions, I think. Anyway, I was wanting your advice if, hypothetically, I were to get accepted and move to Melbourne?”

My rant came out in a rush, getting it out and done almost in one breath. I couldn’t look at her as I waited for her answer, my gut twisting in the long silence.

Then she sighed and every muscle in my body tensed. But what came out of her mouth was the opposite of what I was expecting.

“I think you should go for it. If, hypothetically, that is what you wanted, then I would support it. Not only for the opportunities available but for the experience. I want you to be happy and if this is what you need to find yourself then I say, you’d be stupid not to go.”

I looked at her then and she offered me a small smile before she scooted closer, folding my hands between hers.

“I know I’ve been hard on you, but I really am trying. I see now how suffocating I was to both of you kids. I was just afraid of you seeing how awful this world really can be. But I know I can’t protect you from it all.”

I smiled and it was like she had lifted a whole huge weight off my chest. I wanted to crawl into her lap and just let all of the heartache and pain I had been suffering for the past two weeks lay on her carpeted floors. But I couldn’t let myself take that leap yet. So, I settled with a squeeze of her hands and relished in the feeling of having a mother again.

It felt right. It felt good.

It felt like maybe my life didn’t just end with my first broken heart.

I got home around noon and prepared for how to break the news to Dad. It had me more nervous than I was with Mum.

At dinner that night, I told him the news. He didn’t take it that well.

He was excited about the opportunity for me, but he was concerned about me up and moving to Melbourne where I knew no one, and rightfully so. I mean even I knew deep in my mind that it was crazy. I just didn’t want to admit it.

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