Page 92 of Lost in the Current of You

“It’s fine. I’m fine, Nate. You don’t need to worry.” I tried to steady my voice but even I could hear the tremble in each word.

“Too late for that,” Nate grumbled, likely to himself, but still I heard. “Tell me, Koda. I’m thousands of kilometres away, I can’t help much if you don’t tell me.”

I sniffled and wiped my cheek of the drying tears, painted with newly spilt tears that began to fall at his concern.

“You can’t do much about this, Nate. I’ll be fine,” I mumbled.

I didn’t want him worrying so much about me, considering he had warned me about this before he left. Warned me that I would be the one getting my heart broken. But I didn’t listen. I didn’t want to. And now, I’m paying for it.

“Who was it?” he whispered, and my heart cracked with his words.

I couldn’t tell him that, but I’m sure he probably already knew given his warning the few weeks prior. I didn’t want to prove him right.

“Nate, please.” My voice cracked, and I sniffed as the tears fell harder. I wanted to sink to the floor again and let the tears overcome me. I tried to keep my sobs silent so it wasn’t heard through the receiver, but I’m sure he heard my laboured breathing and my sniffles becoming more frequent.

His sigh echoed through the phone before his voice came through in a soft comfort. “I’m sorry, Dakota. Dad’s just really worried about you. And to be honest now, so am I. Just tell me, what happened? Please.”

I sighed and relaxed my back against the wall, knocking my head back and closing my eyes.

“Nothing I hadn’t already seen coming. I was just hoping I… I don’t know, something would change. That I could help him. That I could love him enough for him to see himself differently.”

It was quiet for a moment on the phone, with my hitched breaths and sniffles echoing.

He released a long sigh. “Koda…”

“I know what you said, but it was too late already. I was too far in.”

“Maybe I should fly back down, make sure you’re okay. Maybe have a chat with Reece-”

“No.” My head shot up as my heart beat faster. “Don’t do that. Please don’t. You only just got back, and there would be no point. Nothing will change. He’s leaving anyway apparently, so there’s no use. I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me.”

“He only just told you?”

I think my breath stopped altogether. “What do you mean?”

“I’ve known for a couple of months, Dakota. He told me like a week after your birthday.”

My heart broke all together again, and I covered my mouth to stop the sob from breaking free.

He’d known for months, and he didn’t tell me. He led me through all this hope and wishing and longing, all knowing it would come crashing down.

He sighed again when he took in my silence. “You love him?”

I swallowed. “I did.” I do.

I didn’t want to. What was the point in loving someone who didn’t love you the same way? I wanted to tell myself that it was as easy as that to let go of someone and move on because I had no choice. I didn’t want to live with this pain anymore, and it had only been a week.

And then the realisation hit me of my fears coming true before we had even started any of this. That I had lost my best friend. I had lost our friendship in the process of getting lost in our feelings for each other.

I pressed my palm to my chest as I sunk to the floor, the phone clutched to my ear. It rolled through me in waves as I tried to suck in air to my lungs but trying not to be obvious that I was breaking down again while on the phone to my brother.

“I wish it wasn’t my best friend,” he murmured through the crackles of the receiver.

So do I.

I spent a few hours on the floor after Nate hung up, not having the energy to pick myself up. I forced myself to crawl upstairs to the safety of my bed when I realised Dad would be home any minute. I didn’t want him to see me like this. It’s why I’ve kept to my room. But obviously, that didn’t stop him from worrying about me. If anything, it made him worry more, I think.

It was late evening when my door slammed open, and Avery and Alex walked into the visual of piles of used tissues on my bed and a blotchy-faced me in the middle of them. Their stern faces fell into sympathy which only made me cry harder than I had been before they arrived.

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