Page 89 of Lost in the Current of You

“This was never going to work between us. We both had to have known that. And it’s better to end it now before things get too messy for the both of us. Before we’re in too deep.”

Too late, I almost said. It was way too late for me because I had already fallen for him. And my heart clenched, realising he wasn’t there at all. In those words, I read between the lines and knew that I was more into whatever was happening between us than he was.

I was just a friend he could fuck in the meantime. Before his life truly started.

I had enough. I needed to escape and my heart started to pound faster trying to think of how to get home, to get as far away from him.

I scooted out of the back of the car, nervously wiping my hands on my pants as my eyes bounced from the cityscape to the blanket in my grasp that I had laid across my legs. Anywhere but him.

“Where are you going?” he questioned, scooting himself forward to sit on the edge of the boot of the car.

“I need to go home,” I said and started to walk off, my mind running a thousand miles while I tried to hold myself together to keep the tears at bay.

“Kody, please. You can’t walk home.”

I whipped around to him, meeting his wild eyes as I pointed a finger towards him. “Don’t call me that. Not now.” I pressed my lips together, watching his face crumble with the cold touch of my words.

He swung his hands out to the side before letting them drop against his thighs. “Just let me drive you home, at least. We’re way too far for you to walk, and it’s unsafe at this hour.”

He was right. It was too far, Ubers were too expensive, and my brother would kill me.

“Fine.”

The drive home was silent as I held back the tears threatening to spill down my cheeks. I kept my gaze out the window, elbow on the armrest, chin leaned against my hand, turning myself away from Reece and avoiding the glances he threw me every few minutes.

I had never felt pain like this. The sharp shooting pain through my chest and the way it felt like his hand had forced its way through my rib cage and squeezed my heart with his fist. I felt so stupid, and angry, and so goddamn disappointed in myself because I expected this, but I still chased after the high he offered me on a silver platter. I knew that if there was an after us, that our friendship wouldn’t make it out alive. That I would be left in the burning fire while he walked away untouched.

I guess I brought this on myself. It was karma in the way I treated Liam as my crutch, not to be lonely.

He pulled up at my house in what felt like the longest trip ever but I didn’t move. I hesitated because I desperately wanted him to stop me and pull me back into his arms.

His whispered words washed over me, and I closed my eyes as the first tear escaped my eye.

“I’m sorry.”

I was still holding back the breakdown that was pushing at the very thin walls.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be who you wanted me to be. I wanted to so badly. You made me feel…”

He trailed off, and I opened my eyes, waiting for him to continue. But he didn’t.

“What did I make you feel, Reece?” I whispered, begging him to answer.

But silence stretched out over us.

I turned to face him then, bringing his gaze up to mine as tears spilled over both our cheeks.

“What did I make you feel?” I repeated, voice wobbling.

But he shook his head before opening his mouth, his words leashed with pain. “I can’t.”

My mouth twisted. “You’re a goddamn coward, Reece. Just for once, be honest with me and stop shutting me out!” I shouted, my anger taking hold.

Then, in a rush, he reached over to me, curling his hand over my cheek and pulling me towards him before pressing his lips to mine in a bruising kiss. It was a mix of pain and desperation and devotion and the salt of our tears mixing together. It was like he was trying to tell me something without words. But this time it wouldn’t work. I was so over not knowing what he felt and if I was in this alone. I was so over trying to read him through his eyes and his touch, like I was some kind of clairvoyant and making myself go crazy over assumptions and never being reassured with words.

I pulled out of the kiss and his head hung slightly while he still grasped my cheek in a soft caress.

“You’re breaking my heart,” I whispered, my voice cracking as I reached up to grasp his hand.

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