Page 44 of Playing My Rivals

We stroll to the barn and I open the double doors. “There’s a bench over there you can sit on. I’m just going to check out the perimeter to make sure there are no signs of wildlife living in here.”

She nods as she turns to the bench. Her eyes fix on something. I don’t stop to see what it is because I’m trying to get my emotions in tow. I’m so close to telling her I love her, but instead I make myself believe the rumbling in my chest is because I’m getting hungry and want the chores to be done.

“Jami, what is all of this?” She’s standing at the workstation.

Remembering all my craftwork, I join her by her side. “Just a hobby. It helps me when I need an escape from reality.”

“I had no idea you did this.” She picks up a leather square that has JST engraved into it.

She puts that down and picks up a wood carving. I spot one with “Aricin” etched into it. I reach for it, but she takes it before I can.

Everything in me wants to fall to the floor and weep while my heart cries out all its misery. That one piece in her hands breaks me.

“What’s this?” She runs her finger over the letters.

I want her to take me in her arms and hold me while she tells me everything will get better. She’s always been able to calm me with her mere presence alone.

I need it now more than ever. I need her to help this horrific agony subside. She’s the only one who can. Knowing I can’t go there with her, I stifle it and go numb.

I slide my hands into the pockets of my shorts. “I like to do craftwork using leather and wood. These are some that I’ve done over time.”

“I get that, silly. What does Aricin mean?”

“It means eternal.”

“Eternal. What does that mean to you?” She puts it down and turns to me, her curiosity beaming.

Her soft, soul-grabbing eyes tell me I can open up to her, but it’s too much for me, so I break the connection and glance around the barn. She reaches for my arm and pulls one of my hands out of my pocket.

She squeezes it. “You don’t need to escape me. I won’t judge you, so quit looking for a place to run off to.”

I hold back my suffering and sigh. “I’m not trying to escape you.”

Escape this situation, yes.

You, never.

“Mhm. Then tell me what Aricin means to you.”

I hesitate but decide to tell her because she deserves the truth. “Aricin means eternal. I carved that into the wood to represent all the people I love who are no longer with me.”

“What a beautiful sentiment.”

“If you say so.” My pain is about to boil to the surface if it hasn’t already shown itself. I turn to the workstation and move some pieces around.

God, please make this ache go away.

“I say so.” She picks up a piece of leather. “What does LS stand for?”

I spot the piece she’s talking about and a cloak of guilt covers me. “That was just something I was playing around with. It doesn’t mean anything.”

She shrugs and places it back down. “What other secrets do you have?”

Only ones that I’m not willing to share.

“My hobbies are hardly a secret.” I stride toward the doors, as this is getting too intense. “I don’t know about you, but I’m hungry.”

“I could eat, but I wouldn’t get your hopes up. Chuck told me you weren’t getting any stew.”

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