He kissed the top of my head and pulled me closer. “As long as you need.”
We had been there for a while and the sun started to set, but I was in no way ready to go back, thankfully Rowan packed some snacks and we were able to finally have a peaceful conversation.
“So, how much of that did you see?” I asked, biting into my apple.
“All of it, you should know by now, that I know you; but your spirit is the very first thing that drew me in. That, and I heard the keys jingling. You're the heavy sleeper Princess, not me.” He chuckled. “Do you feel better?”
I turned to face him ready to give him the truth.
“I’m getting there, one step at a time right.” I smiled and took his hand in mine and bit down on my lip. He had been as honest as he could and I owed him that, if he wanted these things, with me, he needed to know I felt the same.
“Rowan, I want everything with you, I want the house with the picket fence and our kids running around chasing each other, and the dog running after them, but I’m scared. It will be tough already with the added stress of never feeling like they will be safe; we can't always have an eye on them, and I’ll be damned if we lock them up like I?was, I won’t. The only way is to eliminate the Walkers as a threat or leave this life, and both are highly unrealistic.”
He blew out a breath and brought his knee to his chest wrapping his arm around bringing me close.
“Charlotte, I want those things too, but I think we should finish this meeting. I do have something I want to show you soon, I just need another week okay? Everything will work out. And when you feel like everything is falling apart, look to me, and I will always give you the reassurance you need. Just don’t forget about the others too, you have more?love around you than you realize.”
“You have said it yourself Rowan, you’re one man, you can’t fix everything, and I don't expect you to.” I said softly, leaning further into his chest.
He stood up and reached his hand out and I took it carefully, hoisting myself up in the process. The words he spoke sat in my thoughts and I thought about Nicole, Thomas, Arthur, and even Charlie. People who have seen me at my best and worst and were there to put me back together and build me up in more ways than one. I had a duty to them, and maybe I could have the life I wanted, we just needed to finish this first. Rowan might protect me, but it was time for me to protect them.
His deep chuckle brought me out of the trance I was in. “What’s so funny? I asked curiously.
“You,” he replied. “Wanting kids and a dog; you're going to have to pick one or the other, that's a whole lotta shit to clean up, and my stomach isn’t great in the morning.”
“Whatever Roe, you know you can’t say no to me,” I laughed.
Grabbing the chain on his neck, I pulled him toward me and tilted my head up to look at him. “Can you tell me everything's going to be okay?”
He was still, looking as if he was lost in thought, his lips pressed together in a thin line. When he was this quiet with me it meant one of two things. He was angry, or he was scared. He placed his forehead against mine and closed his eyes.
“If you want the complete truth, I’m scared,” he said, running his thumb along my jawline. “Joshua is way sneakier than his father, I have to assume the worst. For the first time, I don’t see an angle. Lottie, I can’t protect you from what I have no knowledge of. I am terrified I am going to lose you.”
“Is that why you haven’t been sleeping?” I asked.
“I’ve been up every night in your office trying to figure him out. We have history, yes, but I don’t know him.” He pushed off me and stepped backward. Rubbing circles in his chest, he looked away from me.
“Rowan, it scares me seeing you so unsure, even if everything goes wrong in a few days we have to remember why we are fighting, and who we are fighting for, and we are a damn good team.”? I flitted my eyes to the edge of the cliff and started walking toward it.
There was only one other time I managed to sneak away on my own and just over the ledge was a little small patch of road that must have broken off at some point long ago, I needed to make a point.
“Lottie, now isn't the time for games, get away from the ledge,” he said, gritting his teeth.
“Oh Rowan, there's always time for games,” I said triumphantly before taking off over the edge.
I could hear him screaming for me, but I just needed him to know that I would protect him in every way, just like he did for me. My hands rested against the dirt that shielded the small piece of road I was on, until I saw him come into view.
With a small giggle, I pulled him by his ankle and he slid down the dirt, until he was planted on the same piece of concrete. “See, not everything is as it seems, Roe.”
He gave me a scowl ripping his arm away. I could tell he wasn't amused at my attempt for inspiration.
“Bet all these years you came here, you had no idea it was there, because you never looked off the edge. Most people wouldn’t out of fear of falling over it. That's what I love about you Rowan, I love that you can bring a fresh perspective to things. You think about ideas, or motives that others wouldn't, and it is always going to make us stronger, baby.”
The stones dug into my knees as I kneeled down in front of him. “Now look me in the eyes and tell me everything is going to be ok.”
Tilting his head, Rowan's hand wrapped around my throat, and he met me halfway in a passionate, hungry kiss. He was the first to pull away and I locked eyes with him, pleading for more.
“I love you, but stop asking me to lie to you Charlotte.” He brought his lips back to mine with such ferocity in this moment. This kiss would be etched in my mind forever. This kiss worried me.