Page 53 of Claiming Charlotte

“I want you to be the one to do it,” I whispered.

He opened the box and took out what was inside. It was a long piece of iron, a handle on one end and a small cardinal symbol on the other. He looked at me, a mix of pain and anger in his eyes. I knew I’d put him in an impossible position. Scoffing, he pushed the box back into my hands and turned to walk back inside.

Before he was out of earshot, I said, “You can’t dictate how I heal, Rowan. I don’t want what happened in my office to ever happen again.”

Through the shadows, I saw his hand ball into a fist in an attempt to control his anger. He shook his head no again and sat on the edge of the bed, hanging his head. I followed him into the room and tossed the box onto the bed behind him.

“Why won’t you do this for me?” I demanded.

Growling, he shot to his feet and began pacing. I’d seen him get angry before, but he’d never raised his voice with me unless there was danger.

“Because I know how it feels, Charlotte. You have no idea how I felt hearing your screams while they were hurting you! Listening to your cries and knowing there wasn’t a single fucking thing I could do about it was hell! Every part of me was in overdrive, including my need to protect you, and yet I couldn’t even do that! I failed you, Charlotte, and you’re asking me to put you through that pain again. How can you ask me to do that with a straight face!”

The emotion that poured from him as he spoke pierced me deeply. I never thought about it. I struggled to hold my tears back. Silence encapsulated the room for a moment, and I didn’t know what to say. He crossed the room, grabbing my chin in his large hands, forcing me to look at him and backed me into the wall.

“I dare you to find someone who will do it because I’ll kill anyone who touches you. Do you understand me?” His words were final.

There were only a few times I had seen him like this, and it led me to ask a question I dreaded the answer to.

“Are you using again?” I asked, my tears spilling over. “It was all over the table, you forgot to clean up. You’re so angry all the time. And it’s starting to scare me.”

Rowan’s jaw clenched in realization and he stared at me for a moment, anger lingering behind his stormy eyes. Then, he released a breath and his shoulders deflated, letting me go. Pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger, his gaze met mine.

“Fuck I’m so sorry. I admit that I relapsed in a moment of weakness, but I’m not using again. I swear that to you.”

The sadness in his tone almost broke my heart. Deep down, I knew he would never betray me like that, or put his hands on me in a threatening manner. His relapse could be chalked up to the events that happened much like my suicide attempt was, and I couldn’t condemn him for that. I believed him when he said he wasn’t using, his gaze lingered on mine, asking for forgiveness, and guilt welled within me for even insinuating that he’d do such a thing.

I met him where he was, touching his forearm.

“I don’t know what to do, Rowan. I keep trying to be the person I was because that’s who you fell in love with. But I think I need to accept that we’ve both changed so we can continue, or we need to move on.”

“Well, we better figure it out, because I don’t plan on moving on. I just want you to come back to me. How can I be with someone who is killing people? What if it was me?” Rowan said, his voice cracking.

“Rowan, the girl I was, is gone. I’ve tried desperately to bring her back, for both of us, but it’s not going to happen. I’m afraid I’ll kill myself if I keep trying. We both need to accept that I’ll never be the same. As far as the drugs, those people are collateral damage. This is the leader I need to be. I need people to fear me in order to be taken seriously and because I’m scared history will repeat itself. I need to stay one step ahead.”

Rowan remained silent, so I continued. “I don’t want to lose you, but I can’t keep pretending to spare your feelings, and I hope you can still love me despite what I’ve become. I can try to find another way to deal with the contraband…”

My head spun as I spoke, all of my emotions crashing around me like a tsunami. “I need my dad. He’d know what to do.”

Rowan nodded. “I have no idea what to do, Charlotte. I need my mom as much as you need your dad.” He scoffed and gave a little half-smile. “I’ve never voiced that before…wow.”

He ran his hand through his hair and let out a shuddered breath. “My dad has been in prison my entire life, so I’ve never seen what it’s like in this part of a relationship. I had no one to teach me how to be a man, or how to be in a relationship. My mother could only do so much.”

I squeezed his forearm, surprised that he’d mentioned his father. “Are we going to make it through this, Roe?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. But I do know that you’re worth fighting for. I can’t be expected to fix everything, though. I’m only one man. I’ll do anything you ask, Princess, but I need to know if there’s something I shouldn’t do.”

I knew he was talking about my request from earlier, and my cheeks heated.

“I only have three requests,” I said. “Don’t write on me. Don’t drug me. And I don’t want to see your face until you brand me.”

His expression turned serious, and his jaw clenched so tight I thought it would break. “That’s a lot of gray area Charlotte, you better think long and hard about this.”

“I know what I want Roe, I want you to push my limits; I know you’ll keep me safe.” I returned.

He pulled me in for a kiss, and embraced me in a warm, lingering hug before leading me to bed and climbing in next to me wrapping us back in the safety of the blanket.

He wrapped an arm around my torso and closed his eyes. As I lay on my back staring at the ceiling, my gut churned. I had a sinking feeling that Rowan had one hand on the door and I didn’t know what to do.

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