Page 48 of Rock Bottom

“What’s wrong with him?” I asked Church when he came back in.

“He’s in pain.” Church sighed and leaned against the wall. “It makes him irritable.”

“Then he should take a couple of Motrin or something instead of taking it out on me.”

“Not quite that simple for him.” He came further into the room. “How do you feel?”

“Like I wish people would stop asking me that. I’ve had crazier nights than last night, believe me.”

Church crossed his arms and drummed his fingers on his muscular biceps, his face locked in a stern expression. “What the bloody hell were you thinking? You had to know that nothing good would come of sneaking out with someone you barely knew!”

“So I deserved this? Is that what you think?”

“I think there are consequences for risky behavior.”

I clenched my fists around the blanket. “I was bored.”

“So take up a hobby! Take a nap! Jerk off or play some music!”

“I can’t!” I shouted, slamming my fists down on the mattress. “Every time I try to come up with the right notes, all I want to do is reach for a drink that isn’t there! And when I get stuck, my first instinct is to reach for a bottle of pills to loosen up.”

“Drugs and alcohol are a crutch!” He shouted back.

“Yeah, and I don’t know how to do this without them!” My jaw trembled, but I couldn’t tell if that was because I was angry or ashamed. Who was there to be angry at but myself?

It wasn’t Church’s fault I couldn’t be the perfect frontman for After Atom that everybody wanted. I wasn’t cut out for it, and everybody knew. That’s why Jake pushed the first drink on me. He knew I wasn’t ready to go out there and play in front of a sold-out arena. That’s why people kept handing me pills and telling me they’d help me stay awake to play more, to party more, to be more of who they wanted me to be.

I turned away, tears stinging my eyes. “How am I supposed to do anything without them? The uppers keep me going when I’m too tired and then I need to drink to chill out enough to sleep. Without the booze and the pills, I’m just a broke kid from L.A. with a guitar and a dream.”

“No, you’re not, Dante,” Church said firmly.

I glanced up at him. A sour taste coated my tongue when I saw him looking down at me with pity in his eyes. Of course he’d feel sorry for me. Everybody did whenever I had to talk about this shit. That’s why I hated doing it. Pity didn’t solve my problem.

I swallowed and shook my head. “I can’t do this without them. I’m not good enough.”

Church grabbed the chair, spun it away from the wall, and sat next to the bed. “You weren’t on either when After Atom brought you on, which either means they made a mistake, or that you are good enough, and I don’t think it’s the first one.”

I rolled my head back to look at him. “How do you know?”

Church reached out and took my hand. “Dante…I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you’re a terrible liar. I don’t think you’d be able to fool anyone, let alone the millions of people out there who love you. You can do this, Dante. You are good enough.”

“They don’t love me. They don’t even know me.”

“What about your family?” he said. “They love you. They can’t all be wrong.”

“They don’t really know me either. I haven’t talked to them in months.”

Church stood up and walked over to his dresser, pulling open the top drawer. He turned and tossed my phone into my lap. “Then that’s where you start. Call your mum.”

A tight lump formed in my throat. “What do I say?”

“I’d start with hello and go from there,” he suggested. “I’ll go make us some tea. You can eat something more solid if you keep that down.”

I picked up the phone and cradled it in my hands. He was right. Nothing was ever going to change if I didn’t start making different decisions, and that had to start with reconnecting with the people who mattered to me most.

I waited for him to leave the room before numbly scrolling through my contacts list to find my mom’s number. My arm shook as I held the phone to my ear and listened to the ring tone. What if she didn’t answer?

What if she did?

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