Page 19 of Whatever Will Be

They want to sleep in the same bed again. Usually they love having their own rooms but for now all they want is each other. I understand. There’s nothing quite so comforting as the love of a sister. I’d give anything to have mine right now.

“Good night.” I tuck a lavender quilt around their little bodies and kiss their precious faces.

Mara clings to my neck.

Caitlin rolls over to look at me. “Are we orphans now?”

“I don’t know,” I tell her and immediately get irritated with myself for being unprepared to answer this question.

I truly don’t know. Their father is likely alive somewhere but if he hasn’t shown an interest in them yet then he’s not going to.

Funny, but I haven’t thought much about their father until three days ago. It always seemed as if the girls belonged to Jules alone and that was that.

Caitlin and Mara fall asleep quickly. I sit in a tiny wooden chair and don’t leave the room until I’m sure their breathing is deep and even.

“Sweet dreams, princesses,” I whisper. I blow them a kiss and shut the door only halfway in case they call out during the night. The stenciled characters on the walls, all from classic children’s stories, lapse into shadow and I wonder for the first time why so many of those stories include morbid details about death and orphaned children.

Earlier, I felt exhausted but I don’t think I could sleep now. My suitcase is up here in Caitlin’s bedroom. The downstairs suite feels too far right now and I haven’t been able to bring myself to go into Jules’s room yet. I rummage through my suitcase and discover slippers that I don’t remember packing but am glad to see.

My thickest cable knit cardigan is pulled on over my dress because I’m shivering now. The second floor of this house has always been inadequately heated. I should find someone to fix that. I’ll also need to find a way to pay for it.

I have yet to tell my professors at NYU that I will be discontinuing my education. This semester is clearly a lost cause but I don’t see how I’d be able to return for next semester either.

No, my life in the city is over.

And I think law school should also be over.

Really, it was Jules’s dream that I was fulfilling. NYU undergrad, followed by NYU Law. My plans have been designed around providing for Jules and the girls. Corporate law only interested me because it was the best chance to rake in a hefty salary and make my sister’s life easier. I would happily work endless hours so she wouldn’t have to. Jules had been working far too hard for far too long.

If only I’d managed to fulfill those plans sooner. Then Jules wouldn’t have been tiredly driving on an icy road late at night. Caitlin wouldn’t be wondering about her orphan status.

No, I won’t be going back to law school.

The girls tend to sleep soundly but I look in on them once more before plodding downstairs.

I dislike the feel of the empty first floor. The walls seem too far apart at night. I was here for the holidays and I could have stayed longer but I thought I had things to do in the city, things that were important. I can’t remember what those things were.

The last time I saw my sister was in this living room on New Year’s Day. She pretended like she was going to kidnap my cell phone so I couldn’t leave. She wrapped me in the tightest hug and made me swear I would return soon.

Of course I would return soon, I told her. I wasn’t Danny, swooping in once or twice a year. I promised I would be back for spring break, and then for a longer stay in the summer. We could rent a boat and take the girls out on the lake. They’d love the paddleboats that can be pedaled around the shallow areas.

I should have let her kidnap my cell phone. Making Jules happy was so easy and I could have made her happier.

This morning I saw Danny raiding our father’s old liquor cabinet in the front room’s long wooden sideboard. The thought of doing the same is tempting even though I’ve been truly drunk exactly twice in my life. Jules wasn’t a hard drinker and I’m surprised she even kept all that crap around. Perhaps she just never got around to throwing it away. The most she ever drank was a beer now and then. In fact, I remember seeing two random bottles in the fridge.

Speaking of the fridge, the shelves are in desperate need of restocking. I breathe out a low whistle of alarm as I take a quick inventory. The girls will need more milk and juice and fruit and whatever else one is supposed to feed four-year-olds. I’ll go shopping tomorrow. I still have the rental car for now. I suppose I need to consider actually buying a car. Jules’s car was totaled of course and even if it hadn’t been I wouldn’t want to see it again. The girls will need to be taken places. Preschool. The doctor. The park. Lake Stuart is hardly pedestrian friendly.

I shut the fridge with my beer in hand. Jules’s beer. There’s no telling how long it’s been in there.

It’s overwhelming, this concept of being responsible for two small people who will not be able to take care of themselves for a long time.

I love my nieces dearly.

I would walk over lava for them and without Jules here I would never have wanted them to be with anyone else but me.

Yet the years ahead feel abruptly terrifying.

Like this kitchen is terrifying.

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