Page 71 of Pity Parade

Darling Heath,

I don’t know if this pregnancy has made me psychic or I’m just afraid. Maybe it’s a combination of the two. Either way, I feel compelled to write to you in case something happens to me.

For future reference, you’re out with your realtor friends tonight shooting pool. It’s Marty’s birthday.

I immediately know what night she’s talking about. I hung out with the guys until eleven and then I went home to Jess. That was only two weeks before she died.

I continue reading:

I know the doctor said my headaches are hormonal, but I’m not sure that’s the case. I have a really bad one tonight and my vision is kind of blurred. I’ve never experienced anything like this. Of course, I’ve never been pregnant before, so maybe it really does have something to do with the baby.

Either way, I need to tell you that I love you. I love you more than I ever thought it possible to love another person. I love your smile, your sense of humor, your optimism, and I love how you think bubble gum ice cream is the best flavor. I’ve never even known you to eat it, but man, do you talk about it a lot.

I stop reading and laugh. That one summer in Elk Lake made such an impression on me I romanticized everything about it. Even the ice cream.

I’m not sure if something bad is going to happen or if I just feel the need to cover all my bases. Either way, I need you to know you’ve changed my life. You have fed my dreams as much as you’ve helped me achieve them. You’ve anchored me and believed in me so much that I know there’s nothing we can’t do. You are my core and my heart. You are my love.

Even if you don’t read this note for another fifty years—because I live that long—I want you to know that you were the best husband, the best champion, and by then we can add the best father and grandfather to the list. I can’t wait for our baby to know you and love you as much as I do.

If you’re reading this before our son is born, I’m so sorry. Every day when I wake up, I tell myself I’m only afraid because I have so much to lose. But at the same time, I don’t push the doctor to do more tests because I don’t want my fears to be confirmed. I’m in the bubble of joy that I want to last forever.

But Heath, if something happens to me, you are not responsible. It will be my own fault for not following my instincts. I know you’ll be heartbroken if I die. I know you’ll have a hard time moving on because I would as well.

Having said that, you must keep living. Live a rich and full life. Live out our dreams. Marry a wonderful woman and have children with her. Remember me, but don’t let me chain you to the past.

I don’t know exactly where we go when we die, but I know with my whole heart that wherever it is, I will wait for you. I know that only love exists there and that when you and your new family join me someday, they will be my family too.

Live every day, my darling. Love every day. And know you are the best man. You make the world a better place just by being in it.

Now, I’m off to squirt some chocolate sauce into my mouth because your son is craving it.

I love you to the moon and back,

Jess

I let the letter drop onto my lap and just sit there. I feel warm and full like I’ve just had a conversation with my wife. I feel frustrated that she didn’t share her worries with me so that we might have been able to save her. And somehow, I feel like she’s untied the final strings that have bound me to my past.

I don’t know how long I reflect on my life with Jess, but I eventually fall asleep right there on the couch. I sleep like I haven’t since I was a child. There are no worries, no anxiety, no dreams even. Just a deep rest that helps restore me to a man I haven’t been in a very long time.

When I wake up, I know exactly what I must do. I pick up the phone and call Shelby. I hope I don’t wake her, but I have to talk to her.

The phone barely rings before she answers, “What do you want?”

“Good morning, sunshine.”

“Ha ha.” I don’t think she’s had her coffee yet.

“Did I wake you?”

“Hardly,” she grunts. “I’ve been up for two hours. How do people sleep in like this?”

“What time is it there?”

“An hour later than where you are, so seven.”

“How’s it going with Allan and the kids?” I ask.

“The kids are great. Allan is acting weird, like he knows he’s been caught but he’s waiting to see how much I know before he cops to anything.”

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