Page 6 of Pity Parade

“What if they lie just to get a free vacation?”

She shrugs her shoulders. “Then we move on to the next guy.”

I don’t know Paige very well, which makes it weird that I’ve asked for her help. Having said that, she’s all I’ve got, and this is currently the only option on the table to outmaneuver Tom. “Pretend I’m the guy. What would you say?”

She tips her blonde head to the side before righting herself and picking up her phone. She mimics typing in a number. “Hello, is this Heinrich Plotch?”

A giggle escapes me. “Heinrich Plotch?”

She shrugs before continuing, “Heinrich, this is Shania from the Chicago Singles’ Foundation. Did you enter a getaway contest at one of our participating bars?” She turns off her fake persona and tells me, “It doesn’t matter if he says he didn’t because I’ll just tell him that someone must have entered for him. Then I’ll ask if he’s still single and if he is, I’ll tell him that he’s won a week’s rental right on Elk Lake.”

“And when he shows up?” I want to know.

“You’ll accidentally run into him and strike up a conversation. Easy peasy.”

My stomach feels like it’s been invaded by a flock of vultures. “I’ll just knock on his door, will I?”

“Hardly,” Paige says. “We’ll stalk him first and make sure you get good vibes off of him.”

“And if I don’t?”

“We’ll wait for the next guy to show up. In the meantime, Tim will be introducing you to men here at the club.”

My shoulders slump. “This sounds awful.”

“Now you know how the contestants on Midwestern Matchmaker felt.”

Which is the very reason I never wanted to be on a show like mine. “When do we start?”

“We can go down to Anna’s office after lunch. As soon as you’ve signed all the paperwork, make me a list of names and I’ll start calling.”

“I’m not sure I have more than a few guys. But there are a couple of men I’ve always thought I’d like to go out with, but our relationship statuses never seemed to line up.”

“The more the merrier,” she says brightly.

Tim arrives at the table carrying our lunches. After putting our plates in front of us, he leans down and kisses Paige. Then he smiles at me and asks, “Did Paige tell you about the cottage on the lake?”

I do my best to sound optimistic. “She did, and it sounds like a promising idea.”

“In the meantime, we’re having a fish fry to open the season at the club tonight,” he says. “Most members make a point to attend. You should too.”

“I would love that, Tim, thank you.”

Paige interjects, “You can hang with me, Faith, and Missy while we wait to see if any of the guys on Tim’s list show up.”

“Spending time with you and your friends is the real draw,” I tell her. “I don’t have a ton of female friends in the city, and sometimes I feel like I’m missing out.”

Paige reaches across the table and pats my hand. “Women are probably dead jealous of you. I know I would be, if I hadn’t already met my guy.” She blows a kiss at Tim, who makes a show of catching it and placing it on his heart. They really are disgustingly cute together.

“I’ll let you enjoy your meal,” Tim says. “Just make sure you leave enough room for our famous beer-battered walleye tonight.”

Paige watches as he walks away. “Did I ever tell you that I had a huge crush on him when we were in high school?”

“I don’t think so. Why didn’t you date back then?”

She looks at me with horror before answering, “He was so far out of my league we might as well have been playing different sports.”

Picking up my fork, I stab it into a mound of coleslaw. “I was no winner in high school either,” I tell her. “I was too tall, too nerdy, and way too picky.”

---