Page 100 of Pity Parade

“So, Heath …” Tom flags a passing waiter and orders a dirty martini. I motion that I don’t want anything, so he walks away. Tom continues, “It’s safe to assume you want in on this season’s action.”

“Excuse me?” I’m going to force him to spell it out. It will be that much more fun when I tell him that Trina is otherwise engaged and won’t be doing his show.

“Meaning you want to be one of the bachelors who wants to tap that,” he says with a lecherous grin.

I’m not a violent man, but I’d really love to smack this guy. “I’ve already won Trina’s favor,” I tell him.

I wish I had my camera app open so I could capture Tom’s expression. I’d make two hundred copies and send it out with my Christmas card. “What do you mean you’ve already won Trina’s favor?”

“She and I have been dating all summer.” The lie is slight, but I thought it best to make it clear we were a solid couple.

“H … h … how? Wh … wh … where?” I’m enjoying myself so much right now.

“We met in Elk Lake, Wisconsin, where we’re both summering,” I tell him. “We’re in neighboring cottages.”

“Well … I mean …” he continues to stammer. “Regardless of your dating her, Trina is still going to be starring in my new dating show. I have a contract.”

“I assure you, Tom, Trina doesn’t want anything to do with your show.”

He unbuttons the top two buttons of his shirt like they’re choking him. “Too bad. She’s going to do it because she’s responsible for our other show being canceled. And, as I already mentioned, I have a contract.”

I nod my head slowly. “So you said.”

Tom shifts nervously in his seat and waits for me to say something. I don’t. Instead, I wait him out. When his drink arrives, he slams the entire thing down in one gulp and motions that he’d like another. Then he asks, “If I’m not here because you want to be on my show, why am I here?”

I change the subject. “Have you heard about the skyscraper I’m building with my partner?”

Tom looks confused. “Yes, but what does that have to do with me?”

“The building site is about a half a block from here.”

“So?” I really am having the best time.

“Shelby and I have decided not to build it.”

Tom looks around like he’s searching for a hidden camera. I don’t bother telling him he’s not being punked. Instead, I ask, “Do you know a man named Jeremiah Engle?”

He nods his head. “By reputation. He’s almost as loaded as you are.”

“Jeremiah and his daughter are building an unhoused transitional community on the land where we were going to build our skyscraper.”

Tom’s face contorts into an expression of alarm. “Why?”

“To help people who need it,” I tell him.

My lunch companion shrugs. “What does this have to do with my show?”

“Not a thing,” I tell him. The waitress comes by to take our order, so we pause to let her know what we’re going to have. After she leaves, I tell Tom, “I just thought you might be interested in hearing something good that’s happening in the world.”

“Good for you,” he grunts. “Good for the needy. But I’m not here to talk about them. I’m here to convince you to do my show.”

“I’m already in a committed relationship,” I tell him.

“Yeah, you’re in a relationship with my bachelorette.” He leans closer like he’s going to tell me a secret. “Listen, Heath, I don’t care if the show is rigged and you and Trina wind up together. In fact, I think that’s great. But for that to happen, you have to agree to be on Matched.”

“I don’t think so, Tom,” I tell him. “I’m not going to be on your show, and neither is Trina.”

He looks like he wants to throw a punch. Before he can, my phone pings. Looking down, I see that I have a text from Trina.

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