Page 69 of The Queen

We dismounted and led the horses to the stable, which was still partially intact. Once they were settled with the grain we’d brought, and the stone troughs were filled from the hand pump, the soft noises lent the dead space life. The ramshackle barn wasn’t glamorous, but they’d be comfortable enough until morning.

I wished I could stay there, safe with the sweet-tempered creatures, and not go back into that building full of unknown memories. The possibility of reminders from my past haunted me, and the longer I delayed, the more I scared myself.

There was only so much I could do to put off the inevitable. Once the animals were seen to, it was obvious I was stalling. Before anyone had a chance to mention it, I took a deep breath and walked out and into the sun-drenched bailey.

The palace I was born and lived in for the first eight years of my life loomed on the other side of the courtyard. Shadow and Lex had gone ahead to scout. Ghost and Grey waited for me by the battered front entrance.

“You ready to go, princess?” Ghost called.

My jaw was set in a hard line, but I nodded in return.

I wasn’t really ready. I was terrified to face memories I couldn’t recall. What if I remembered something too terrible to come back from? Whatever I found through that door, I knew one thing for sure. I was more afraid of what would happen if I didn’t confront them.

With my pulse pounding in my ears and sweat coating my palms, I set off to join my mates and the ghosts of my past.

Chapter Forty-Six

Saphyra

It was just a door.

That’s what I told myself as I approached the yawning black hole in the wall. Decorative stone steps leading up to a terrace with an ornate entryway shouldn’t be this terrifying.

I knew this place. I could picture every hall and room as long as I didn’t think about it too hard. Once I tried to focus my thoughts, they’d evaporate like smoke through my fingers. But I also knew that what was beyond that threshold was not the same as what I’d left. It wasn’t the same as my illusive memories would have me believe.

Cold sweat broke out across my skin, and I swallowed the lump in my throat. I had to remind myself to breathe, one gulp of salty sea air at a time. There was no reason to be afraid. Anything I remembered was ten years in the past and couldn’t hurt me anymore. At least, not physically.

I took each step on trembling legs, and when I walked out of the sun into the cool embrace of the shadows, nothing happened. There wasn’t a flood of traumatic memories. I wasn’t overcome with emotion. It was just a quiet entry hall with unfamiliar soot-stained holes dotting the towering ceilings.

A nervous laugh bubbled from my lungs, but I bit it back. I silently congratulated myself for not breaking down yet, but there was no way to know what was waiting around the next corner.

Ghost and Grey followed me into the grand foyer. Grey’s brows pulled together and his eyes filled with concern. He didn’t have to say a word. His emotions shimmered through the bond.

“I’m okay,” I reassured him. “So far, I feel all right. I was just nervous, not knowing what to expect.” My smile was sincere, and I hoped that might set his heightened worry at ease.

Boot tracks peppered the soot covered marble floors. The slick white stone used to gleam, but now it was dull and coated in black filth. The gracefully carved wooden banisters that ran up the sides of the twin staircases were gone. In their place, blackened stubs of charcoal. It didn’t look the same as it had, but in some ways, I still recognized it.

“We should check the shield. If you’re ready,” Ghost said, eyeing the destruction.

“Even if I’m not, I have no choice. There’s no time to waste.” I reached for Grey and he tucked my hand into his.

This was really happening.

When I was a child, I’d never questioned the rainbows in the sky, it just was. As time and my education went on at the Hive, the memories faded. Now that it was returning, I wondered how I’d ever forgotten such a thing.

“Grey, do you know what happened when I was brought to the Hive?” I asked as we walked side by side, following Ghost down a darkened stone corridor.

His hand turned cold and rigid in mine, and his nervousness shot through the bond like an electric pulse.

“I looked through your medical records. Mind you, I wasn’t there, so I’m not sure of the details. That was before my time. But my Aunt Iris, your old nurse, told me stories about you as a child. Was there something you were curious about?” he asked with false casualness.

He knew what they’d done to me.

I was hesitant to push him on the topic, but I needed to know. “It seems unnatural, the gaps in my memories. Sometimes a memory is there, but when I focus on it, it’s just out of reach. Other times, it’s perfectly clear or gone completely.”

His palm was moist in my grip and our bond vibrated with uncertainty, but he pulled me closer and slid his arm around my waist. “They gave you a serum that inhibited the synapse between neurons that control memory function. As soon as you have a solid reference to a thing or event, those connections should reform. The most they could do was repress that association, not erase the memories. Don’t worry. It’s all still in there.”

That was exactly why I was worried. There were some things I didn’t think I wanted to remember. There wasn’t time to fret over it right now, though. So I rested my head on his shoulder as we continued to trail in Ghost’s wake.

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