“Because you might see me differently. You might not want me anymore.”
Fuck. He hated that she thought that. That she didn’t know exactly how much he adored and cared for her. He’d need to work on showing her that better. Making her believe it.
“Nothing you could tell me would make me see you differently. I would never walk away from you. But you know how we talked about boundaries? Well, lying and secrets are a boundary for me. Do you understand?”
“You don’t want lies and secrets between us,” she replied with a nod. “I don’t like lies either. Not even the ones people tell each other to be polite. That’s why I often get myself in trouble. Sometimes, it’s easier to say nothing at all.”
“I get that. And I’m not talking about small lies that other people tell each other or themselves. I’m talking about you and me. You can tell Kevin that he has the voice of a soprano and I won’t care. As long as you never lie to me.”
“Why would I want to tell Kevin that? He might try to talk more.” The horror on her face had him running a finger down her cheek.
So damn adorable.
“I’m just using an example. There will be no lies between us. And I don’t want you to hold back anything from me that might affect you.”
“All right. I understand.” She clenched her hands together. “Protocol is what we call the rules for after I go . . . into my own head. That’s how Rhodes explains it. I don’t see how it’s any different from when I’m trying to think something through. Like for work. That’s all I’m doing. But . . . Rhodes . . .”
“Yes?”
“He’s always concerned something bad might happen to me when I’m on my own in here and I’m . . . I’m thinking.”
“Has something bad ever happened?” he asked in a low, soft voice. He didn’t want to scare her into going into her head, as she’d just said.
He knew what Rhodes meant, though. Cate couldn’t be left to think too much or she’d end up getting more upset.
“Once,” she whispered. “Yes.”
God.
He’d really hoped she was going to say no.
“What happened, Cate?”
“I don’t really want to talk about it.”
He was silent for a moment as they sat there. “There are going to be things in both of our pasts that crop up. And we won’t always feel like talking about them. Some things can wait, but anything that impacts your health and safety right now, I need to know. Don’t keep anything from me that could harm you.”
Cate stared at a spot over his shoulder. “I hurt myself.”
He stiffened. “What?”
“I hurt myself. That’s why we have the protocol. It’s not enough for Rhodes to just hear my voice after something really badly upsets me. He has to see that I’m unharmed. I cut myself. It was awful. I didn’t like all the blood. Very messy.”
Very messy.
Cutting herself was very messy.
He ran his hand over his face. “Baby girl. Fuck.”
“If you decide now that you don’t want to date me, it will be better for me to finish things now rather than later. After . . . after I develop feelings for you.”
“You already have feelings for me,” he stated. “I know it’s hard sometimes to look into my eyes, but I need you to hear this so please let me see you.”
Those big blue eyes stared up into his.
“You are not to do that again.”
Her nose scrunched up. “Didn’t you hear me? It was messy and awful. Why would I want to do it again?”