Page 17 of Puck Blocked
I reach over and grip her shaky hands. I don’t say anything. I just wait for her to continue.
“It was good, during those first few months. I thought I’d found someone who loved me. Who wasn’t going to just leave. Everyone always leaves me.”
She pauses and a knife stabs right through my chest. I fucking left. I’m part of that everyone.
“And Andrew never did leave. He… I don’t know what happened, but the change was gradual. Over time, you know. He’d have these sudden outbursts if I did something wrong, or broke one of his rules. I tried to be what he needed. I really did. But I’m just like them, my mom, Sean… I’m too selfish to be any good for anyone else.”
I want to stop her. Tell her that’s a load of bullshit. That she’s not selfish. She’s perfect the way she is. But I bite down on my tongue, too afraid if I stop her now, she won’t keep going.
“The first time he hit me, it wasn’t that bad. He promised it was an accident and I wanted to believe him. I really thought he would change. Then I would think to myself… at least he hasn’t left me. If he’s staying, then I owe it to him to try harder.”
“What happened the other night?”
“I was supposed to drop out of school. I told him that I’d already done it, but I was still studying online whenever he wasn’t home. Then I got too preoccupied with one of my exams and forgot to make dinner… And he found my textbooks.”
That motherfucker put her in the hospital because she was fucking studying. A red haze clouds my vision, and it takes everything I have to keep my fists from clenching. To keep my ass planted on the floor.
“You know that’s not love, right?” I ask her, instead of reacting outwardly.
“I know. But he stayed, Luke. No one else stays,” she whispers.
“I’m sorry I left, Tanna. You have no idea how sorry I am,” I tell her. “But I promise you I’m never leaving again. I will always be here for you.”
She smiles, but I can tell she doesn’t believe me. And that’s fine. I don’t blame her. It just gives me more of a reason to prove it.
“Where is he now? You think he’s looking for you?”
Montana shakes her head. “Not yet anyway. He won’t look for me until he’s sure I’ve recovered. He always keeps his distance after…”
Her words trail off, and I just want to shout: After he fucking beats you black and blue?
“You can’t go back there, Tanna. I can have all of your things picked up. I can help you transfer schools but you’re staying in Vancouver. If you don’t want to live here, with me, I’ll get you your own place. But you can’t go back.”
“I can’t ask you to do that for me, Luke. He might not be looking for me now, but if I’m not there when he comes home, he will look for me and it’ll just be worse.”
“No one is getting in this house. You’re safe here. And if he wants to get to you again, he’ll have to come through me first.”
“That’s exactly what I’m afraid of. I don’t want you to get hurt. I don’t want this to impact you, your career…”
“It’s too late for any of that. Seeing you like this fucking hurts me. Like nothing I’ve ever felt before. But knowing that I could have prevented it fucking tears me apart, Tanna.”
“It’s not your fault,” she says. I know I didn’t do this to her, not directly, but me leaving fucked with her head. That’s all on me.
I lie down on the rug, propping my head on one of the cushions. “Come look at the stars with me.”
Montana curls up on her side before one of her hands reaches out and grabs hold of mine. “Since we’re spilling secrets, I told the girls at school you had crabs your senior year.”
“That was you?” I laugh at the memory of being eighteen and trying to figure out why I’d suddenly become girl repellent. “Why?”
“Because I was jealous. I had the biggest crush on you and you didn’t see me as anything but a little sister.”
“You’re wrong. I never saw you as a little sister. I’ve always been in love with you, Tanna. I’ve always seen you as the most beautiful girl in the room.” I turn my head to face her.
“Not so beautiful right now,” she whispers.
“Nothing could ever take away from your beauty.”
We lie here staring at each other silently. I want to reach over and kiss her, but I don’t.
