Page 71 of Whispers of Fire

“Good morning, Rose,” she says with a large smile on her face .

This is weird. Why is she so happy?

“Morning,” I sign with both hands, watching her as she moves around almost dancing.

Okay this is definitely not normal.

“I finished your dress last night,” she says, clapping her hands as if it was good news.

“Oh Rose, it’s going to be such a beautiful wedding,” she continues, talking to herself, her eyes wandering far away. “I can’t believe my own daughter is marrying our Shepherd. My daughter,” she repeats.

Turns out caring about my thoughts and feelings isn't that important when all she wants is her own blood marrying into the highest rank of the Faithful Lambs. I don’t want to play this act anymore. I need her to know, to do something about it, anything.

After all, she’s my mother.

My hands tremble as I sign, "Mother, I don't want to…" But before I can finish my sentence, my mother interrupts, raising her palm in the air, her voice stern and unwavering.

"Oh, I know what you’re going to say, young lady, and the answer is no. There's no turning back now. You won't shame our family any further." Her rigid posture, accentuated by the black long dress she wears, exudes rigidity and coldness. Her eyes, unyielding, bore into mine as my hopes crumble once again.

Ever felt like you’re about to fall from a cliff? That’s how it feels like.

I lower my eyes to my porridge, knowing there’s nothing I could sign that could change her mind. Any doubt she had has vanished away. There’s a lump in my throat, choking back the words I long to say but cannot voice. With a heavy heart, I nod.

“Off you go, you don't want to be late; you’re setting an example for all of us now,” she says, pride dripping from her mouth, making me want to throw up. After eating my breakfast, I rush to the entry, putting my shoes on while my father is already opening the door to the car.

I don’t want another lecture on how grateful I should be to be chosen by the Shepherd, no thanks.

He walks out first, his stiff steps making him look ten years older than he is.

I wonder if he has always been like this, or if perhaps, in another life, before the Faithful Lambs, he would sometimes smile and hug the people he loved.

It’s strange how invisible and helpless he makes me feel, following him like a shadow, obeying his orders.

If I died today, would he even care? Or would it be just another bump on his way to the Ascension?

I enter the back of the car, the engine already roaring, while his thin knuckles grip the wheel. I try to look at him through the rearview, but he ignores it. When the car is in front of the Institute where he usually drops me off, his voice makes my body jerk. “Rose.” I look back into the rearview only to find him staring at the wheel.

“Remember what’s at stake, remember the punishments waiting for you if you fail your task.”

My lower lips tremble and my heart pounds loudly in my ears.

No child should ever have to feel this way. Like you don’t matter, like you’re a disease people wish to stay away from and use only to their advantage.

Especially after what he did to me.

Especially when he's the reason I lost my voice.

Literally and figuratively.

“Get out now,” he orders, and I rush outside, my blood leaving my body.

I have to spend an entire day at the Institute playing the good little student when all I want is to run away as far as possible from this messed up life that has become my reality.

My father wants me to fulfill my duty. If only he knew how much rage he just awoke in me.

-

“To cleanse our sins…” says the small gray-haired woman.

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