Page 86 of Whispers of Fire

It hurts. It hurts so much to even think about living without him.

The wedding seemed so far away when it was announced and yet it's closer than ever now. I’ve been thinking all day about different scenarios on how to get out of this situation, but each time I kept thinking about my friends, my parents, and how the outside world was a scary place.

Perhaps if I was watching a movie about my life, I would just tell the main character to grab a bag and escape during the night, take a bus to another city and start from scratch.

But it isn’t that simple.

As much as I want to leave the Faithful Lambs, I can’t ignore the fact that I was born and raised in it.

That’s all I’ve ever known.

Everything I’ve been taught, the right and the wrong, where my loyalty and duty must lie, everything has been clear for so many years, and now… now it’s all crumbling apart and I don’t know how to get out of it.

Would I survive in the outside world all by myself?

Would people treat me like an outcast?

I promised myself that I would escape before the wedding, even prepared a note for my mother that I would put on the kitchen table for her, but I don’t know if I’ll find the courage to do it.

Leaving is a mistake, Rose. Staying will be hard, but escaping into the unknown is far more dangerous.

Shaking my head, I try to inhale and exhale many times to calm myself. The truth is, for so many years, before losing my voice, I never had to ask myself what I wanted from life.

It was all so simple.

My mom was a loyal and submissive wife to my father, and I was destined to become like her.

But the accident changed everything, making me wonder about the inconsistencies of my world, making me see what I used to look at without acknowledging. And when Vox burst into my life, I couldn’t ignore it anymore. Something had been wrong from the beginning and now I know.

Now I see.

Closing my eyes, I try to imagine myself in the outside world, where I would land and what I would do if I had the chance too.

Instinctively my mind drifts to a small flower shop. I could work there and learn about flower arrangement. It could be nice, being surrounded by plants all day.

I may not know the skills required for a desk job, but gardening? That I know well.

College seems too scary for me. At least for now. The idea of being around people aware of the latest trends and able to use computers is literally stressing me out. I’m not confident enough, yet, to think of myself being around “normal” young people.

I mean, I’ve been wearing the same brown dress for years and don’t even know what people like to do during their days off to have fun. I wasn’t given this chance for a normal life, and I refuse to be treated like a freak.

If I go to the outside world, I will have to learn everything again, and being mute is already enough of a difference for me to navigate new situations.

So flower shop it is.

Imagining playing with the different flowers and creating arrangements for ceremonies and such actually makes me smile.

Then, at the end of the day, perhaps I could get a waffle in some cute café I saw in town and maybe… maybe Vox could join me? We would talk about our day and then go… home.

It wouldn’t need to be anything fancy, just a simple flat or a small house that I would take care of. And I could perhaps take online classes at home, work on assignments on the counter of the kitchen while he cooks for us. And maybe… maybe then we would dance or just swing a little in our living room, just happy with what life gave us before falling asleep in each other's arms. I can almost hear the jazz music that would be playing in the background.

I sigh.

How can all of this feel so right yet impossible to achieve?

I thought it would be hard to imagine, but no… it is actually the easiest thing to picture in my mind. Where I can’t even picture a life with the Shepherd, one with Vox seems like it is meant to be.

But how? How will I escape my community? Will Vox stay with me or move to the other side of the country? Would he get in trouble because of it?

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