Page 76 of Nevada

“Like I do?”

I swallow hard. “But this is just sex, and you’re overcomplicating it by doing this.” I squeeze his hand and he takes the opportunity to link our fingers and doesn’t let go.

“I just wanna touch you, Estelle. I want you to know that no matter what happens, for me, this isn’t just fuckin’. Got me?”

“You don’t even know me.”

“I know enough. I know you’re kind and smart, funny and beautiful?—”

“And flawed. Dangerous. Crazy. Impatient. A complete asshole when I don’t get my own way,” I finish.

He shrugs. “Who isn’t? But with you, it feels different.”

Blood pounds in my ears at his words and I feel the heat rising in my chest. It makes me feel like I can’t breathe. “I still need to be me.” What does that even mean?

“You’re afraid to give over control,” he murmurs. “I understand that more than you think. I’ve never felt this way before, that’s how I know I want to explore more of it. You’re not just a woman I want to have sex with, and trust me, that surprises me just as much as it does you. I want to get to know you. As much as you try to push me away, we both know we’re connected and it feels good. Haven’t you asked yourself why?”

I let out a long breath.. “I guess I’m too used to doing things my own way,” I admit. “To be tough and cold and ahead of the game on everything. It’s what I know. It’s how I’m made.”

“And all I thought I knew was the life before you, Mama. Now I can see that everything I believed was just a lie.”

My breath hitches in my chest. I want to tell him he’s nuts. That he’s wrong. He doesn’t know me. I’m unlovable. I’m cold and I can be mean, and I use my fists more than I should. But the words don’t come out. No sound leaves my mouth as I try to take in his words and what any of it means. Instead, I squeeze his hand.

“You’re a good man, Asher. I don’t know what you’re doing getting mixed up with me, but all of this is for something… I just don't know what that is.”

He brings our joined hands to his mouth, kissing my knuckles one by one. “I think you do know, and when the time is right, you’ll tell me. I’m here for you, no matter what.” The look in his eyes makes me want him to stop the car and pull him into my arms and kiss him. Hold him. Tell him that I need this… I need his love… Holy shit, I need his love? What in the goddamn hell?

I take a deep breath, trying not to let the confines of the truck crash all around me. You can do this. You can allow him to love you. You’re not unlovable because someone once told you that you were.

I turn away, tears welling in my eyes. I can’t let him see me like this. A shell of a woman that I once was. I’ve done a pretty good job of hiding it, and with just a few words and hand holding, Nevada has me confessing things that I shouldn’t and feeling things that I haven’t before. This isn’t a novelty. He is not a commodity or someone I can just use for sex. It started out as fun, but now things feel intense, and instead of running like I would normally, I stay. I let myself calm down. I let him press our joined hands against his heart and I want to cry because I know deep down that I do not deserve this man. And I do not deserve his love.

16

NEVADA

The boys never found out anything we didn’t already know, and Riot and Halo spent hours staking out the shipping yard without noticing any suspicious activity. That doesn’t mean it’s not going on, but it could also mean that they’re clever at hiding it. Whatever ‘it’ might be. It could also be completely legitimate. We have a shipping container business in New Orleans, it isn’t like it’s uncommon.

Kyle said the paperwork for the junkyard was listed as a sister company to another business downtown; a club. Brew thinks it’s a front for embezzling money, and I wouldn't put it past any slick asshole to have a front as a distraction, finding these bastards is an entirely different matter altogether. I’m fairly sure Dave and Meg are just the lowlifes that work there and have absolutely no standing in the business whatsoever. However, low-lifes also know other low-lifes, and you just never know when they’ll get together.

In the meantime, we reconvene and arrange to have dinner at a local restaurant while we wait for the club to open. After Haze does some research, he also tells us some of the members of Ridgehaven Hellions often hang out there when they’re in town, which may not be good for us.

I don’t know Bane or any of his men personally, but the more I sit with it, the more I think it’d be a good idea if the Hellions were involved. If they’re such good buddies then he might’ve been able to help. Then again, poking around in Mississippi so close to their club also might be seen as a threat.

“Never know what we’re gonna find,” Haze says across the table. “But from what Kyle told us, this club is well known for sellin’ drugs and organizin’ prostitution on the side.”

“Not to mention close to Hellions’ territory,” Brew puts in. “But they have more beef with another rival club here in Jackson; the Skeletons, and both clubs keep each other occupied enough so we should fly under the radar.”

I rang Cash earlier to fill him and Ryder in on what we’d learned so far. He didn’t like the idea of us going in the club, and though he didn’t say it, I think he regrets not sending more men with us.

Speaking of which, I lower my voice to Star, “This team you spoke of yesterday? I don’t see any of them.”

Her eyes meet mine. “Some of them were indisposed.”

“Meanin’ you were just gonna lie and come on over here yourself, right?”

“No. I have friends who help out when they can, but they have day jobs. Kyle and Halo both work for me, so it makes sense they can take off at a moment's notice.”

“Your so-called friends in low places don’t seem to know too much,” I tease. “You talkin’ the talk?”

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