Page 109 of Nevada

I sigh. “Just because I had the ability to use martial arts back then, doesn’t mean that I had the mental capacity to go with it. The thing with an abuser is they manipulate you slowly. They make you become so dependent on them that you don’t know who you are without them. I let that happen. I let him do those things to me.”

He takes a long moment before answering. I love that about him. He’s not always quick to have all the answers. “You can’t keep punishin’ yourself for bein’ vulnerable. I can’t say I know what it feels like because I’ve never been in your shoes, but I know you have a big heart and assholes like your ex didn’t deserve your love. I hate that he did that to you, but I’m never gonna put a hand on you that you don’t want.”

I close my eyes and squeeze him tighter. “We shouldn’t work.”

“But we do.”

“Imagine if I hadn’t kicked your ass.”

“I want you to do it again.”

I laugh. “I bet you do.” I think about what else he wants me to do to his ass and I suppress a groan. I’ve never been more sexual than I have with him. He makes me feel sexy in a way I never have — in a way I didn’t think I could be. He lets me be myself and doesn’t try to change me. “This time with a vibrator.”

He chuckles. “It is a pretty hot thought, you have to admit.”

“I can’t say I’ve ever strapped on a big dildo and fucked a man with it.”

“Hey, let’s not go crazy with the big.”

I can’t contain my laughter. “Oh my God, you keep me young.”

I think he’s about to make a joke, but he surprises me by saying, “I know you’re thinkin’ about what he said about Tilly. But you gotta know, he doesn’t know shit. He was just sayin’ that stuff to hurt you.”

I feel the blood pounding in my ears. “I get that, but I also have to face the reality that it could be true. I don’t think I’ve ever let myself go there.” I close my eyes, trying to ward off any negative thoughts. “It’s too unbearable.”

“Which is why we keep fightin’ until we get answers.”

I bury my face into his neck. “I can’t lose her, Nevada. I can’t…”

He pulls me in tighter. “We’re gonna do everythin’ we can to find her, you hear me? This isn’t over. You’ve been strong for so long, baby, and you’ve only gotta hold on for a little while longer.”

“I’m so tired, but each time I think that, I picture my little sister and I know I have no room to even think about being tired. Not while I’m still breathing.”

“We’re so close.”

“I know. I feel it.”

And he holds me for the longest time. I’ve never felt so safe and wanted. I didn’t know safety was a thing I craved until Nevada made me feel it all the way down to my toes. He’s the missing piece to my life. I had no freaking clue that things could be this good, and I know it’s early days and we’ve already told each other we love one another, but I’m tired of running. I’m tired of denying myself happiness because of a dark blip in my past and an ex who treated me bad. I’m still me. I’m still not gonna take any crap, but sometimes it feels good to also let someone take care of me. It feels foreign, but now that I have Nevada, I don’t want to live without him. I can’t live without him.

“Never gonna lose hope,” he murmurs. “Not when we have each other.”

Those are the sweetest words I’ve ever heard.

“When you say it, it makes me believe it even more.”

23

ESTELLE

Halo hugs me. “I can’t believe you did that, are you okay?”

I nod. “I’m fine. I’m just sorry I’ve put you and Kyle through all of this.”

She frowns, looking at me with a disapproving look. “Don’t ever say that, you hear me? Kyle is fine, and I’m fine, more than fine, actually. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. I know how hard we’ve all worked, and finally it looks like it’s paying off.”

I told Halo and Kyle everything. Including what that jerk said about Tilly. They both agreed he was just trying to get a rise out of me, nothing more, but it still stings.

“Are you saying that because you’ve been spending more time with Riot?” I arch a brow.

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