Page 86 of Never Too Late

Autism.

Neurodivergent.

I’ve heard the words already. I heard the whispers around the corridor at high school. The classes in college. Neither word was new to me.

I was different from those who were around me from a young age, I’ve known this my whole life. I’ve spent endless hours comparing myself to others. Wishing that I was the same as them. Praying that one day I would be. But the older I got, the more I knew the wishes weren’t coming true.

“You’re so lazy, Dax.”

“You’re so emotionless. So cold.”

“You’re selfish. All you care about is yourself.”

“You’re ignorant. Stop ignoring me.”

“Why don’t you look at me when you speak to me?”

I’ve heard it all. And it didn’t take long for me to start believing the words for myself.

“I know I’m different, Tyler, I’ve known all along. We both know I’ve tried the medication. I’ve tried therapy. It doesn’t help. It doesn’t work. Nothing works.”

“But maybe it was the wrong kind, Dax. Maybe we were doing it wrong. Hell, we’ll even get a second opinion, a new doctor. There must be something we can do.” His voice reduces to a whisper. “I’ll do anything, D. I just want to help. Please, let me help you. You’re all I have left.”

But do I even want help?

Do I deserve it?

But I owe it to myself.

I owe it to those around me, my brother, my sunshine and my mum. Those who have done everything they can to protect me.

I owe it to the little boy who preferred to be alone than around others

And I owe it to the man I am now, who is endlessly in love.

I sit running my hands through the grass around us. My fingers trailing every blade I come across slowly.

No longer thinking of myself being different in a negative way.

I gently pluck a daisy from the ground, examining each petal closely. Feeling the texture on my fingers. The softness of the flower against my skin. Closely examining the beauty of the small flower that many ignore. Purity, cheerfulness, new beginnings.

Can it be a new beginning for me?

If I seek help like Tyler is suggesting, will the pain stop?

Quickly turning my head, taking in the image of the sunflowers around the bench again, I soak in the flowers that proudly stand on guard. And for the first time in a while, without any thought, I smile. A real, happy, smile, of hope, that everything is going to be okay.

Chapter forty-seven

Jae

“No matter what happens between us, no matter what things I might say, please know, you will always be the one I love.”

I stare at the three words Dax texted me yesterday as though if I don’t, I’ll forget to breathe.

Dax: I love you.

It’s almost as though they’ve become my own personal lifeline.

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