Page 85 of Never Too Late

“Hey, baby, breathe with me, one, two, three… good.” I instantly follow his instructions. “You’re doing so good. Do you need me to come get you?”

I go to reply but I hear another voice come up behind me.

“No, it’s okay, Jae, I’ve got him.”

Tyler.

As though we’d slipped back into our old routine again, we both start to walk towards the cliff, taking a seat, hanging our feet from the edge, just like we did as kids. We don’t say a word. We soak in the view in front of us and listen to the sounds surrounding us.

The moment Jae heard Tyler’s voice, I heard his calm. He told me it was okay to hang up and that he loved me too. I was too shocked to reply as I instantly ended the call. Tyler was my first best friend, for a long time he was my only friend. It pains me, the way we’re being towards each other, but as soon as I find the confidence to speak, he beats me to it.

“I’m sorry for the way things have been between us the last few days, D. I shouldn’t have barged into your room the way I did. I shouldn’t have done a lot of things that night. I’m sorry for being a shit brother when you needed me the most.” He inhales a deep breath.

“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for, Tyler. It was me, I shouldn’t have acted the way I did, I shouldn’t have shouted at you the way I did. It’s not fair. You do everything for me, no matter the consequences. You’ve never thought twice about putting me or others first. It wasn’t right for me to act the way I did. I just got so overwhelmed, things got too much, too quickly. I didn’t know what to do. I was angry at the world. But I shouldn’t have been angry at you.”

He sadly smiles, nodding his head two times. He’s listening to what I’m saying. But what hurts the most, is I can’t promise I won’t do it again.

I continue to speak.

“I know I’m fucked up. I know my head doesn’t work right. I know I don’t feel like I should. I know I’m broken.”

He turns to face me completely, looking at me in the eyes.

“I never want to hear you say those words again, D. You’re not fucking broken. You need to stop saying that. You’re who you’re meant to be. The way you’re meant to be. Nobody is broken. I hate that you feel that about yourself, I hate how you think about yourself. I wouldn’t have you any other way. You’re my baby brother and I’m so fucking proud of you.”

The night that Mum died, he was the one to pull me into his arms. He held me while I sobbed. Now it’s my turn to do the same for him. Without a second thought, I take hold of his arm, pulling him into me so I can hold him. And he allows it.

“I promised Mum I’d protect you and I’ve been doing such a fucking shit job recently. I feel like I haven’t been a good big brother when I know I can be so much better. You deserve better from me. Mum deserves better from me.”

And he breaks.

This is the first time I’ve seen Tyler cry. Truly cry.

And it feels like a thousand shards of glass have punctured straight into my lungs.

I hold onto him and he holds onto me. Because at the end of the day, we’re all that’s left.

“You’re the best brother I could wish for.”

And for the next few minutes, we sit in silence. Holding onto each other, watching the waves battle on the horizon.

“Erm, Ty, are you okay to move? You’re giving me a numb arm.”

“Oh, fuck, yeah. Sorry, D,” he says as he pulls back quickly with a concerned face. I’ve always been much smaller than Ty, but I’m not as weak as he thinks.

“Actually, D, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about. I got the notification you locked up the shop and hoped you’d have been here. This is really fucking hard for me to say, so I’m going to spit it out all at once so I don’t shy away from it. Please don’t get angry, or mad. I just want to help.” His face has now turned from worry to dread. I take out the dog tags from underneath my shirt and squeeze. I don’t reply verbally, I just nod my head at him to show I’m listening.

“When we were growing up, Mum told me she was worried about a number of things. She noticed the way you reacted to things, the way you dealt with your emotions. What you did wasn’t incorrect, it was just different. You’ve always been different and we’ve always been so proud. In high school, a teacher approached Mum at parents’ evening asking if she’d noticed anything at home. And we both had. I still do, D. She started looking into autism and the meaning of being neurodivergent before she was gone.” His voice starts to speed up, he’s talking quicker. He wants to get this out as fast as he can. “I thought maybe we were wrong, maybe we were overthinking. But recently, I’ve been thinking about it more and more. I’ve been researching more, I want to learn, I want to know, and I want to stress to you, there is nothing wrong with you. It’s okay to be different. It’s more than okay. But I can’t help but wonder, if that’s the reason you’re confused. The reason you think differently. The reason you feel so much pain. I just want to help, Dax. I will help you in any way I can. But especially after spending more time with Theo and getting to know him, I just spot things and –”

“He reminds you of me,” I whisper.

“Yeah, Dax, he does.”

Everything around me fades, the only noise I can hear is the waves.

Because Tyler has just said what’s been haunting my mind the last several weeks.

He isn’t the only one who’s noticed how much I relate to Theo.

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