Page 17 of Never Too Late

Part of me wonders whether to FaceTime either Isaac or Bee so I’m not doing this alone, but their jokes right now would eat me alive if they truly knew just how sensitive I was when it came to Dax. Although they knew most things, they didn’t know how deep the power he had over me was.

One that only Dax himself was aware of.

Taking a deep breath, I muster all the courage I can, which isn’t much. As I push to my feet, an inaudible sound comes out of me from the pain. Placing a hand on my side, I slowly walk towards the corner of the bed, gently taking a seat beside the box. Slowly moving to pick it up with both hands and carefully place it on top of my knees, I hesitantly undo the latch, shaking with nerves. I carefully open the lid hoping and praying deep down, the contents are no longer there, and I’d lost them. Sadly, the world doesn't like to do me any favours because as soon as I open the lid, I’m hit with the reality that whatever was left of our relationship is concealed in this box.

I can’t help but wonder, did he keep my letters to him, too?

Timidly, I start to take out each letter one by one, not realising how much we’d written back and forth, but after getting to a certain number of letters, they are no longer what I had received from Dax. Instead, they became ones I wrote and wished I was able to send to him but couldn’t. I had placed them into the box along with the ones I had already received from him. It was in an aim to stay positive and try to convince myself I had sent them, even though deep down I knew I hadn’t, and couldn’t.

I try to make an irrational attempt to stop the heartbroken feeling in my chest as I pick up the last letter. It’s the one where the writing on the front had evolved into something else – resembling some form of a tragic art piece created by ink, heartbreak, and tears as I bring it to my chest and allow the tears to fall.

Chapter ten

Jae

“I wish you never had to leave me in the first place.”

“Major. Summers. Delivery for you,” Private Smith says as he passes me a small envelope.

“Thanks, mate,” I reply with a curt nod.

Writing to Dax weekly and receiving his letters back has become a highlight for me while being on the field. It’s something I can look forward to and something that will distract me from everything else going on around me.

Being on tour has never impacted me so much before, mostly because I had no one at home who would be missing me or anyone I could miss. I had always been thankful for becoming close to the lads and for them becoming my family because no matter what went on out here, at least we had someone. But having Dax was different from that. He wasn’t just my friend or my family. I quickly realised soon after meeting him, he became my everything.

Taking the letter back to my bed, I block out all those around me to read in silence.

The letter starts off as they normally do, he tells me about how he will be graduating in the coming months. I hate that I can’t be there cheering him on, he knows if I could, I’d be the loudest in the crowd. He goes on to mention how he and his brother, Tyler, have plans and have been talking about opening a record shop, he’s told me they’ve visited a few potential stores, but nothing has stuck, or he hasn’t felt the “magic” as he would say.

Reading that line alone fills me with an endless amount of joy because in my head, I can imagine exactly how he is saying it.

I’ve heard Dax speak of Tyler multiple times, but I haven’t met him. I am excited when it’s time to go home because the way Dax speaks about him makes me feel as though I’ve known him all along.

“Casanova of The North,” as Dax refers to him.

And the fact that every time I mention his name, he likes to remind me he’s straight.

It’s almost as though Dax is worried I’d leave him for his brother.

But deep down, we both know I wouldn’t leave him for anyone.

Reading further through the words of support and love, I realise there’s a smaller page at the back. I hadn’t noticed, it was hidden amongst the pages, but coming to the last, I realised what it was just by reading the first line, and nothing else.

A letter of both apology and sadness.

A letter I never thought I would receive.

I’m not proud to admit but unfortunately, my mind gravitates to one thing and one thing only, he’s met someone else and wants to be with them instead of me.

The number one reason why I choose not to get too close to anyone.

Because I can’t handle rejection.

I can’t handle the pain I currently feel in my chest, the feeling that someone has ripped my heart out right in front of my eyes.

Without realising, I’m panting. Struggling to breathe. Unable to focus on anything around me. I drop the pages to the floor, placing my head in my hands, unable to read anything more than a few lines.

And for the first time around the guys, I’m not the one smiling anymore after reading a letter filled with love and hope.

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