Page 109 of Never Too Late

Was my fear misplaced all along?

From my side, I hear a whimper. I thought I’d be the first to cry, but I’m not. It’s Jae.

He takes hold of my hands tightly and brings both of them towards his face, and for a few moments, silently, he lets the tears fall before bringing my hand to his mouth and kissing my knuckles.

Again, and again.

“Are you okay, Mr Summers? Would you like a glass of water?” the doctor asks.

“No thank you, Doctor, I’m okay. Actually, I’m better than okay.” He beams towards me, still holding onto my hand tightly.

“I know this is the outcome you both wanted. I just want to ask you, Dax, how are you feeling about it all? I can imagine you’re shocked. But do things make sense to you now?”

“I don’t think a lot of the things I do will make sense. For a long time, I thought I was broken. I thought I didn’t deserve to be happy. I didn’t understand why I did some of the things I did. I didn’t understand why I felt the way I felt. I was scared I wasn’t good enough. Scared I’d never be loved or fall in love, I mean, I still feel those things, they aren’t magically cured.” My heart starts to pound, tears forming in my eyes. “But, I think, maybe I proved myself wrong along the way. I just didn’t see it. And this just became a reminder that I’m none of those things I thought I once was. I do deserve to be loved and I am in love with someone who loves me back.”

“Who loves you more,” Jae whispers into the side of my ear.

“I’m not just depressed, I’m autistic,” I whisper.

I want to scream it, I wish I could. I want to shout it to the world; I want everyone to know. Because I’m not ashamed. I was just misunderstood.

Mostly by myself.

And this time, I smile, a real smile. Because now after everything, I think I’m going to be okay.

Neither of us speaks a word as we get into the car after the appointment. Endless thoughts are looping in my mind that I’m unable to control and I don’t know how to voice. Probably in his head, too. Instead, I wind down the window, staring out at the greenery outside. Remembering I’d forgotten my headphones and jacket, Jae turned the volume button up high on the radio, drowning out the noise of everything around us. It wasn't until we’d been driving for an hour in the opposite direction that I’d noticed the sign turning off the road, I realised where we were heading.

With it being midday during the week, the botanical gardens are empty. We stroll around inside the glass dome for an hour, hand in hand. Since Jae’s started working with Bernie, he’s learnt the name of some more flowers and even knows what they represent. He shocks me with how much knowledge he has now, and even manages to beat me before I can teach him about them.

He’s my own personal flower. Blossoming into something unique and even more beautiful.

I will never understand how I became so lucky to find him when I didn’t understand myself the most. Someone who understood me and didn’t care about the differences, but I will also never question it again.

He’s my home and I refuse to do anything which will result in me losing him, again.

“I already have a picnic packed in the car if you’re hungry, or we can go pick up some food if you want? Whatever you decide.” Jae pulls my hand closer to his chest as we walk towards the entrance, making our way back to the car.

“I don’t think I’m hungry. But we can sit while you have something to eat.”

“No, it’s fine, let’s get back on the road. I can wait until we’re back.” His voice becomes hoarse.

Something is wrong. I can feel it.

I find myself dragging my feet across the floor, watching every step I take. But I can also feel his eyes on me. I want to look into them, get lost in them. But I’m scared.

Why is there always something wrong?

Coming to the passenger side of the car, Jae walks towards me, catching my arm before I can pull the door open. “Talk to me, please.”

If we were home and I had access to my bike, I’d run away.

I’d escape.

But I can’t because I don’t want to escape from the man in front of me.

I just want to escape from everything else.

“I don’t know what to say, Jae. I don’t know what to think or feel. Part of me is relieved. I finally know why I think the way I do. Why I feel the things I do. Why I do the things I do. But at the same time, I know nothing at all. I’m scared I’m going to wake up and find out that this was all a dream.” I turn my back to the door, sliding down to take a seat on the gravel on the ground. “Some of me feels happy. I feel like I can finally understand but I also feel sad I waited so long for answers. I feel anger, because there was a reason why I was the way I was, but I hated myself anyway. I feel pain, because the one person who wanted to fight for me so many years ago, isn’t here to find out the truth. I feel worried, because I’m scared people are going to see me or treat me differently and I feel lost. Because even though one journey of self-discovery has ended, I have a whole new one yet to begin.”

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