Page 108 of Never Too Late

Jae must notice the fear in me too because without a word, he grasps my hand in his own, “One, two, three. Remember?”

One, two, three.

He’s been helping me the last few months, finding new ways to cope when I’m overwhelmed. A few weeks ago, I ran again in the middle of the night, and he found me sitting and talking to Mum. He raised the idea of getting a plaque for her on the bench underneath the living room window near the sunflowers because he got too worried I’d try to run again and he wouldn’t be able to catch me. I didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t want to feel as though I was taking over his whole house. He surprised me three days later with a plaque made similar to the one we have in the store, and the one on Mum’s bench. This one, he commissioned Idah to make.

She’s still distant with us, but she’s getting better. She hasn’t explained where she runs off to. I’ve tried to ask her, but we don’t push one another. We’re just there for when the other falls. Tyler and Novah have also been helping me a lot recently. Novah especially has helped me in more ways than I can ever thank her for. She became another friend to me I didn’t think I deserved. I apologised for the way I’d been acting around her and she shut me down saying I had nothing to apologise for. She’s good for Tyler. She’s exactly what he needs, and I think he’s exactly what she needs too.

“Dax Whitmore,” Doctor Webb calls from the third room to the right.

“Do you want me to come in with you or do you want to go in alone?” Jae asks, already standing from his seat. I nod, squeezing his hand tighter as he waits for me to lead the way to the room.

Don’t leave me.

“Hi, Dax, Jae. It’s nice to see you both again. How have you been feeling?”

How have I been feeling?

“I’m okay.” The truth. “I’m feeling good, I think. I’m overwhelmed, but I’m good.”

I can feel the pressure of Jae’s hand squeezing mine tighter.

“Good. I'm glad. I really am. Well, I have your results. Do you have any questions before I explain them?” She smiles.

I shake my head in hesitation.

I just want to know.

I need to know.

“I know the last few weeks have been hard for you both.” She turns her body to face me. “I know you’ve felt confused, Dax, unsure of a lot of things. I know you have too, Jae, but I think you will both be pleased with the results. I know how important this is to you, and I really hope it offers you a sense of ease and understanding. As you’re both aware, we’ve carried out a lot of tests. I know sometimes they feel pointless, but they definitely help.” She takes a deep breath, showing me a soft smile.

Oh no. Something is wrong. I can feel it.

“Dax, after all the tests, we have found that you are neurodivergent. You do have autism. I know you were worried you wouldn’t be. But, I am so pleased I can confirm to you that you are. I know times have been hard for you. I know you’ve struggled. I just hope this allows you to have some understanding. I hope this explains things for you. Things you’ve been feeling, things you’ve been thinking. I hope this makes some kind of sense for all of that. I’m sorry you’ve suffered for so long. I’m sorry we couldn’t help you sooner. I’m sorry for everything that’s happened. But, I’m here to help, though, we’re going to help. We can take the next step together.”

The world stops spinning on its axis and time ceases as the ringing in my ears blocks out everything else.

Dizzy, I feel dizzy.

Everything and everyone around me have now disappeared.

The sound of the teenager who’d just lost his mum’s tears fills my ears. The begging, the pleading. “No, no, no. I can’t do this without her.” Then I feel the love I got from my brother, who became my guardian overnight without any warning. I feel the love from my partner who’s loved me no matter what. I feel the love from my two friends who have brought a greater meaning to my life than I ever knew. I feel the gratitude I had for the man who made me realise I wanted a record shop in the first place.

Does this mean I’m finally going to be okay?

Can I finally stop being afraid?

Or does this mean everyone is going to leave me, for good?

I take hold of the dog tag in one hand and squeeze it firmly, bringing it to my lips. Pressing a kiss against it, I whisper the only thing I know to say right now, “You were right all along, Mum.”

Does it make sense?

An intense feeling overtakes my body. For so long I’ve felt as though I’ve been carrying a heavy weight. One I haven’t been able to discard. And suddenly that weight is starting to lift.

I think I feel relieved.

Does this finally mean I will be understood?

---