Page 89 of Never Too Late

“Okay, calm down. What’s wrong? Is he okay? Right, okay. Please stop panicking. I know it’s scary. Do you have a cold flannel to press against his forehead? We’re coming now.”

That’s all it takes.

Before Tyler can get off the phone, I’m already out the back door. I don’t need to hear the rest; I don’t need to listen to what Tyler is saying. I need to get home.

I can’t lose him again. I just got him back.

My home.

I welcome the burn in my hands from clenching onto the rubber handles of the bike as hard as I can, riding as fast as I can to get to him. The roads are busy, but I don’t let that stop me, filtering through the lanes, not allowing the traffic to slow me down. A few cars beep their horn at me for being reckless, but I need to get to him. I can’t lose him.

Please be okay.

It takes me ten minutes to get to his house, throwing my bike down on the grass underneath the window ledge, running straight into the house.

“IDAH?” my voice breaks into a cry. My movements turn frenzied, not knowing where they are, or if they’re in the house or not.

I hear her voice coming from the front room.

“We’re in here, I’m sorry, I panicked. It was like last time, but worse. I’m so sorry, Dax, I didn’t know who to call. I couldn’t think straight, I just remembered when Tyler helped before, so I rang him straight away. I’m sorry I didn’t ring you first, Dax.” She’s panicking. Sobbing. She feels helpless.

I know, because I do too.

I run to the side of him, lifting his head up gently so it’s placed on my knees, taking the flannel from her shaking hands and pressing it gently against his forehead.

“It’s okay, Idah. You called someone, it’s okay. I’ve got him.” My voice breaks towards the end of the sentence as I lean down, pulling the flannel away to press a kiss against his forehead.

I gently pull my head away to gaze upon his face. He’s always been beautiful. I’ve never been attracted to anyone the way I am to him. It was almost too good to be true, the moment I was able to call him mine. I think that’s why I tried to let him go. Because I thought I didn’t deserve him.

I thought I was too different for someone like him.

But different doesn’t mean wrong.

Tyler walks into the room not long after me, stepping straight towards Idah. “Are you okay?” She responds with a nod.

“Let’s go sit outside, yeah, Dax has him, don’t worry. He’ll make sure he’s okay.”

She looks at me again, the same sadness in her eyes as she mouths the words “I’m sorry.” I quickly shake my head back at her with a smile. She has nothing to apologise for. She got me here.

Moving my attention straight back to Jae, I gently take my hand and push his hair from his face. It’s starting to get a little bit longer now, not too long. But I notice the curls starting to form. I tease one gently with my fingertips, feeling his hair against my skin.

“Please come back, Dax, please,” he whimpers, his voice no louder than a pin dropping to the floor. His body is shaking, his eyes are still closed. He’s dreaming.

My hands clutch round him tighter. I don’t want to hurt him, but I also don’t want to let him go. Only if he’s in my arms do I know he’s okay.

“Hey, baby, I’m here. You’re okay. You’re home. You’re with me.” I try to rein in the tears threatening to escape. Taking in a deep breath. I need to be strong.

Strong like my soldier.

“I know it’s hard right now. I know you can’t speak, but it’s okay. Let me do the speaking for you. You’ve always protected me. You fought your way to come home to me so I wasn’t alone. Now I need to help bring you back.”

Don’t cry, Dax.

“I finished taping up the letters you know. I taped them all. I remember them. I remember them all. I don’t need to read them to tell you what they say, I can tell you that from my heart.” I pull him closer to me, speaking over the whimpers, gently dabbing the flannel on his forehead, one, two, three.

One by one, I recite the letters I wrote. Words of happiness, sadness, love, anger, confusion, and admiration. Words I longed for him to hear, ones I never said enough and ones I had said a million times before. One hand under his head, one hand switching between the flannel pressing against him and holding his hand against his chest.

“You saw me in a crowd when no one else did. You accepted me for the differences no one else wanted to and you loved me, even when I couldn’t love myself. You came home, just like you promised you would. I never once doubted you wouldn’t. I just doubted myself for being good enough for you.”

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