Page 41 of Never Too Late

Everyone eventually leaves.

I internally scoff at the pathetic feeling.

I can feel him staring into my soul, trying to read my mind. I can hear how close he is from his ragged breathing. I know he’s holding himself back right now from touching me, even though he wants to hold my chin in his fingers and tilt my head up so he can stare into my eyes, my ocean blue eyes he’s completely and utterly obsessed with.

But I can’t. He’ll see everything I’m not saying through them. He’s always been able to read me, it was a blessing and a curse.

And in this moment, it felt like a burden.

I’m so proud of him. Yet so devastated the very thing making me so proud is taking him away.

How could I prevent him from saving our country? only a terrible person wouldn’t want him to go.

But that’s what I am. Terrible.

I’m afraid to look up at him, into his eyes. I’m afraid to see him hurting and I’m afraid for him to see me hurting too.

Attempting to swallow the lump in my throat, I cough slightly. It hurts. My throat has become so dry, it feels as though I’ve swallowed glass. The only thing I know to do right now, is pull my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them as tightly as possible, protecting myself from everything on the outside.

It takes a few moments for me to register the next words that are coming from Jae’s mouth.

“Breathe with me, pretty boy. That’s good. Count with me to three, one… two… three. Good. You’re doing so good. And again, one… two… three.”

Without any thought, I follow his orders. It’s as though they’re my only means of survival. My body instantly reacts to his words before my mind has a moment to hesitate. His deep rich voice has the power to bring me back every time.

I’m going to miss his voice. I’m going to miss him.

I thought I was okay. I was aware today was the day he was going. I’ve known it all along. The knowledge has been eating me alive, the pain pulling me apart from the inside. But I’ve also known there’s nothing I could do about it either, so instead I put on a fake smile, hoping he didn’t look too closely behind it, while on the inside, I felt as though I was no more.

I felt as though time was running out.

It wasn’t until last night when it truly hit me that he was leaving, and I’d be left here all alone again. I got so used to his company, I got so used to him. I promised myself I wouldn’t do that. I swore I wouldn’t have my heart broken again and I walked straight into the trap.

I couldn’t stop myself when it came to Jae Summers.

From the moment I first saw him in the pub, I became mesmerised. Everything about him drew me in. His masculine scent, the way his body towered over mine, the curls in his hair. would never in a million years dream of talking to someone I didn’t know, but from the moment I heard his voice and saw the twinkle in his eyes from the opposite side of the room, I knew I needed to know him.

Plucking up the courage, I slowly start to lift my head. That’s when I notice the tears dropping from his chin,

One, two, three.

They drop in slow motion, almost as if they were taunting me. I panic, shutting my eyes again.

I hate it when he cries, even more so when he’s crying because of me. A large amount of guilt washes over me. I told him I wouldn’t cry; I said I understood that he had to leave. I do understand. But the pain in my heart came over me rapidly, unlike anything I had ever felt before.

“That’s good. You’re doing so good, pretty boy. Keep lifting your head up for me, show me your eyes, Dax,” he whispers as he soothes me, rubbing my knees with his fingers in a circular motion.

I don’t understand the huge amount of pain coming at me from all angles, it’s as though it’s coming at me with such force with only one aim, to shut me down.

But what I do understand is, I don’t want to feel this pain anymore.

I feel exhausted, I feel lost. Non-existent.

Overwhelmed with hatred for the monster that resides in my head, making me feel so different from everyone else.

Deep down, I’ve been dreading this day for weeks. I just got good at putting a smile on my face and pretending like I was okay.

I became so good at saying I was okay, that I started to believe it myself.

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