Page 36 of Never Too Late

Tyler had walked in to find me crying with my bloodied fist in my lap, but he didn’t get angry. He never got angry. Instead, he had patched it up and looked at me with understanding. Then he smiled and told me it was okay for me to let my feelings out, but maybe I should try cheaper methods or we wouldn’t have a house to live in anymore. I didn’t have the heart to tell him he did a shit job of patching it up or that I don’t think the wall is supposed to be bumpy.

That same day I had run to the cliffs; and for some unknown reason, I felt like I needed to get all these pent-up feelings out of me. So I stood on the edge, one step more and I would’ve fallen, and screamed.

The only way I know how to release everything.

Tyler’s voice takes my focus away from the wall and I realise he’s been talking. I catch most of what he’s saying and I put the pieces together. He’s telling me about how Jae and Idah became friends and spent so much of their time together.

Jealousy, sorrow, and heartache all swirl together in my stomach and consume me. Even though I have no right to feel this way – hurt at the thought of him sharing his secrets he only ever whispered to me with her.

Does he tell her his every waking thought? His dreams? His hopes?

Fuck, I can’t think like this. I have no right.

They're allowed to be friends. He needs someone he can talk to. He’s not mine anymore.

I have spent countless nights wishing to the stars he could be by my side, that I could touch him, yearning to be in his strong arms again.

He deserves so much better. He didn’t deserve the heartbreak.

The only person that’s ever held my heart and cherished it is so close I could walk into his arms, yet it feels like we’re on different planets, constantly orbiting each other but never able to stop.

I wasn’t good enough.

For him.

I’m still not good enough.

Ignoring Ty still sitting next to me, I pick up my headphones, put them on as fast as possible, and lay down on the pillow as Talk Me Down by Troye Sivan plays on repeat at an almost deafening volume. I need to shut him out. I need to shut everyone out. Slowly, I bring my arm up from my side and trace my fingers over the outline of my most recent tattoo. A garden of flowers in grey with only a few in colour. I spend the longest tracing over the sunflower that stands out from the rest and is more vibrant. I cried for so long after getting it. It was like my own personal hell every time my eyes caught on the sunflower with a dog tag wrapped around it in an almost choking manner, but I was a glutton for pain because I never looked away. I couldn’t even if I wanted to.

Only one other person besides me would know the true meaning behind it.

A sunflower for my sunshine.

Anxiety, depression, everything, everyone works in different ways; and even though the way I reacted and the way I called things off was probably the worst of all ways, I still did what I did. And I’ve regretted it every day since.

It’s something I now have to bear the consequences of.

“Please tell me you’re at least going to try, Dax? There’s a reason he’s come back here. I saw the pain in his eyes. I may not know what love is, but I know what loss looks like. For whatever reason, he’s here. You’re here. He deserves an explanation, and you deserve to be heard.” He moves himself away. He can see that I’m anxious. That I’m struggling. He can always tell when I’m struggling. He takes a seat at the chair across the way from the bed by the desk, still giving me his full attention.

“You really think so?”

“I’m not just a pretty face, you know.” He smiles. Combing a hand through his hair.

I turn to face Tyler and softly smirk at his confession. My brother has been the one person who has looked out for me my whole life. I was so worried about telling him about meeting a guy, and how much I’d fallen for him, that I completely disregarded telling him at all. And by his reaction and how he’s trying to help me now, it shows he doesn’t care about all of that. He still loves me.

I should never have felt as though I couldn’t have come to him in the first place. “I don’t know what to do, Tyler. I ruined him, I ruined myself. I ruined everything we had. I can’t go running back and expect him to welcome me with open arms. I can’t turn back time. He’s probably better off without me. Have you seen the guy? Why would a guy like him want a guy like me? I’m not the Dax he used to know. I’m just not him anymore, he’s gone.”

I slowly take out the dog tags I wear around my neck, which are tucked underneath my T-shirt. For the first time in forever, I take them off and hold them in my hand. Examining each tag closely, sliding my fingers across the letters, which are standing out on the metal. The oval-shaped discs sit proudly in my hand as if they are aware they are admired.

“There are still so many things I haven’t told you about him, about us, Ty,” I confess.

“And you’ll tell me when you’re ready to, if you want to.” There’s a hint of sadness to his smile. He tries to hide it, but we know each other better than we know ourselves. He just doesn’t want me to see.

“I sometimes hate you for being so understanding.”

“Liar.”

“Ty?” I hesitantly ask.

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