His hair has grown long enough to put into a small ponytail since the last time I saw him, and I can see he’s added new tattoos to his skin.
Tears threaten to rise to the surface as the memories of all the times he laid in my arms while I traced over the floral patterns on his skin flood my mind, and they send shivers down my spine.
My pretty boy.
Without a thought, my fingers move to the photo of their own accord. Landing on his face, I feel the phantom touch of his warm skin.
He’s holding a bike helmet in his hand; one I haven’t seen before. I knew his house mate, Ace, was teaching him to ride, and he mentioned he wanted to buy one of his own eventually. I was hoping I would be able to help with that.
He has a bruise on his left cheek, marring his beautiful pale skin. Seeing the bruise on him sparks anger at the possibility of someone hurting him.
There is a small glisten by his nose on the right side. I knew he always wanted his nose pierced, but he was too much of a chicken to actually get it done. It looks good on him. I knew it would. Then again, everything does.
Tyler’s brother is someone I’ve met before. Because Tyler’s brother is Dax.
I can’t do this; I can’t be here. I can feel the early signs of a panic attack starting to creep up like a shadow, and I don’t want Tyler to be the one to have to get me out of it. Again. I start to back away, almost like I’ve been zapped, and don’t stop until my back hits a drum set. The sound alarms Tyler and makes him look in my direction.
Our eyes lock. His with confusion, mine with turmoil. “D…stands for Dax.” If I was in the right mindset, I’d mentally scold myself because common sense seems to have left me at this moment.
“Yeah… sure does.” His brow furrows, and gone is the carefree guy from earlier. “What’s he done?”
“Stole my heart. That’s what he did.” My heart starts to race, palms becoming sweaty. I have no idea what to say or how to react. I think about running, but what would that achieve?
Before I can stop myself, words are spilling from my mouth. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have come here. Not to the shop, not to this town. It was stupid of me. I knew this place was important to him. He brought me here multiple times while he was at university. I didn’t know he would end up moving here. I mean, I often wondered if we would move here together at one point. But I guess, I don't know. I knew he wanted to get a store with his brother. Shit. And you’re his brother. It all makes sense now. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have come. I shouldn’t have moved here.” I wipe the sweat from my palms onto my jeans but that’s not enough to calm me down. Before I notice what I’m doing, I’m pacing the shop floor, back and forth.
I’m unable to think, unable to breathe.
“Hey, mate, calm down,” I hear Tyler say. “What’s going on? Come sit down, I’m free to talk. Dax isn’t here. We can go sit in the back. The shop is empty. I don’t mind closing up for the day, I’m more relaxed than that fucker. Any reason for me to close early and I’m down.”
“I don’t know I-I. What if he decides to turn up? It’s not fair. I’m probably the last person he would want to see.” I move my hand behind me, feeling for something to lean against. When I feel the sofa, I hesitantly take a seat, trying to regain my breath.
Tyler gives me a puzzled look. His hand comes to the side of his face, I can see the concentration in his eyes. “Why shouldn’t you? Honestly, I’m glad you are.” He allows his shoulders to relax. “He told me about you, you know. I know who you are. I think I even knew who you were when you walked through the door. He didn’t tell me everything, he’s become closed off since we moved here.” He comes to stand near the sofa and continues. “I never really understood why, he doesn’t talk to me as much as he used to. Prefers to keep to himself. But, mate, he told me you were on tour. You shouldn’t be here. Why are you here?”
“Medically discharged, shot. Got sent back.” I awkwardly lift my shirt up, revealing the wound to him.
His eyes go slightly wide. “Shit, man. Fuck. That explains a lot. Fuck. Sorry. Ah fuck. Sorry again.”
“Yep. Shit, fuck indeed,” I reply without a thought.
“That explains the night in Cee’s. I’m even more glad I was there to help. I’m guessing D doesn’t know? You haven’t bumped into him yet?”
“A part of me wishes deep down I had, or I will. I think about him from the moment I wake up, to the last second before I fall asleep. That brother of yours has embedded himself so deep into me, there’s days I don’t know if I’m going to be able to make it anymore, just because he isn’t by my side. Dax introduced me to this town while I was on leave. He always told me how special it was to him. I understood why he felt that way the moment I first set foot here. I was lost for words. It’s like a fairy tale. After being away for so long and on tour, I wanted to end up somewhere like this after the army. I knew I’d leave the army one way or another. Alive or in a body bag. I should be thankful I left the way I did, I got out. But I left so many of my brothers behind. I knew from the moment I had the discharge papers; this was where I wanted to come. I think deep down, part of me hoped and wished Dax would meet me here.” I exhale a deep sigh.
“I’m the last person you should take advice from. But if there’s one thing I’m certain of, mate, you came at the right time. I think deep down, he wishes you were here too. He doesn’t talk much, fuck, I try. I really do try. There are times when I think I’m not a good enough brother for him. But if you know him as well as you say you do, you will already be aware of that. D, he’s one of a kind. He can be such a little fucker at times, but I wouldn’t change him for the world,” Tyler says proudly. It’s obvious he thinks highly of his brother, who doesn’t?
I slowly start to stand from the sofa, chest aching, heart both beating like a drum and racing faster than lightning.
And for the first time since I got my freedom back, I find myself wishing I was back at war, far away.
I don’t know if this is the universe finally giving me what I’ve been praying endless nights for, or if this is someone playing a joke on me.
Part of me wishes it was the former.
“I’m sorry, I need to go. I can’t be here right now. Thank you, Tyler. I just can’t right now,” I stutter.
He doesn’t let me get away that easily. “Look, Jae. Here’s my number. Text me if you need anything, need to talk, need to go for a walk, need to ask questions, anything. I think you coming here now was for a reason, and for whatever that reason may be, I’d like to help. I want to help my brother get his smile back. I have a feeling we can do that with each other’s help. I don’t expect you to be ready today or tomorrow, or even in a week. I don’t know how it feels, I’ll be honest. I don’t know how it feels to be in love, but I do know how it feels to have lost someone. You and D carry the same sadness in your eyes. If I can help one, maybe I can help you both. Please, let me help.”
I reply with a slight nod.