Page 93 of Falling Like Stars

WE SAY OUR goodbyes the next morning, Sunday. The family comes to the front of the house where the car service is waiting. Dinah embraces her son and then holds his face and tells him something only he can hear.

“I will, Mom,” he replies, and then his dad takes his turn with a hug and tells him how proud they are of him. I feel like I want to cry.

“And you,” Jeremy booms. Suddenly, I’m engulfed by his arms. “Thank you,” he says in a low voice.

“Why…?”

“You know why.” He nods at his smiling brother. “Seeing him like that is better than Christmas.”

I don’t know what to say to that except that I’m scared of the million ways I might mess up Zach’s happiness, the least of which is doing something the world will hate that will reflect badly on him.

Dinah comes to me, arms outstretched. “So wonderful to have you, Rowan. Come any time.” She pulls back and touches my chin the same way she did to Zach. “Face of an angel, this one.”

Oh damn.

I’m already on emotion overload when it’s time to say goodbye to Paul Butler. He looks nothing like my father, but everything about him screams “Dad.” This entire trip, I’ve kept a safe distance, scared of what his kindness might do to me. Now, I can’t avoid it.

“Thanks for coming, kiddo,” he says, and then I’m immersed in a dad hug. The kind that feels warm and safe and ends with a little pat on the back. The kind that I haven’t felt in ages. The kind that makes me want to rest my head on his chest and tell him everything that’s happened in the last ten years.

“Come and see us again soon, okay?” Paul says as he lets me go.

I nod, jaw clenched. “Yep. I will.”

I catch Jeremy’s eye, and he reads my face; I’m about eight seconds from losing it.

“Alright, Zachariah,” he says loudly, dragging his brother into a hug and drawing everyone’s attention. “Don’t be a stranger now, and next time, bring your damn Oscar. Or however many you’ll have racked up by then.”

“It will not be that long,” Dinah declares. “And the holidays…” she adds with a meaningful glance from him to me. “Maybe consider joining us this year?”

Good lord, I try to imagine the holidays with this family when I’ve only made it through this weekend by the skin of my teeth.

“We’ll do our best,” Zach says. “But I won’t let so much time go by.”

Finally, the bags are loaded, last goodbyes said, and I mouth a thank you to Jeremy. He nods back, solemnly, and then Zach and I are driving away.

It’s late afternoon when we arrive back in LA. Throughout the flight home and the drive from the airport to my studio, I manage to suppress everything that the weekend with Zach’s family has brought up in me: bells ringing deep in my psyche, awakening memories, feelings, love that is long dead—my father, Josh, even my mother, whose death I pretend doesn’t bother me as much because she abandoned me to her own grief.

Guess I’m not so okay after all.

Zach walks me up to my studio. I want to cling to him for the storm that is coming. I want him to leave so he doesn’t see it happen.

“Dinner after work tomorrow?” he asks, ringing his arms around my waist. “There’s a great Italian place my assistant recommends. He says we have to try it immediately or he’ll quit and work for someone with better taste.”

“Sounds serious,” I say.

“You okay?” he asks. “You’ve been quiet the whole trip back.”

I nearly tell him I’m just tired, but he’ll see right through that. “It’s just…a lot. Being with your family was amazing, but I think I’m a little overwhelmed.” I manage a smile. “Nothing a hot bath won’t cure.”

His brows furrow, but he nods and kisses my forehead. “You’re amazing. They all loved you. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I nod and he kisses me goodbye. No sooner is the door shut than the panic attack comes, like an invisible hand out of the sky, gripping and shaking me. I curl up on my bed and let it have me; everything I’ve been trying to feel pours out, and I wonder if it will ever end.

The next morning, I wake up to a text from Zach.

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