Page 57 of Falling Like Stars

“I felt sorry for her. As fucking stupid as it was and knowing it would backfire spectac…spectac-u-lar-ly.” He hands me his whiskey glass. “I think I’m done.”

“I think you are too.” I set it on the table.

“Even after all that…” Zach continues. “I still wanted to help her.”

“Because you’re a good person.”

“Am I?” He looks at me directly. “I think I also wanted to hurt you. A little bit.”

I nod. “Because I hurt you.”

“Yeah. Seeing you come out of that guy’s room…it wasn’t good.” His brows furrow and concern washes over his face. “I remember you looked scared. I was too busy being shocked at the time but were you okay?”

I smile. “You asked me that then.”

“I did?”

“Yes.”

Even then, he asked me. Because he’s so impossibly good.

“And I said that I was okay,” I say, “but I’m not okay, Zach. I didn’t sleep with him, but that doesn’t matter much. It’s not about him, it’s about how I treat myself. I do—I did that with guys. Get in bad situations. Like tempting fate.”

“Why?”

“That’s what I came here to tell you. An explanation for being so terrible to you.” I heave a breath. “I had a boyfriend, and he died. I was fifteen.”

“Oh, damn, Rowan, I’m so sorry.”

I have to look away from the caring expression on his face or I’ll never get through this.

“He was hit by a drunk driver, but it was my fault. He wouldn’t have been on that street if not for me, and I don’t know how to live with that. And so I do stupid things with bad men and run errands on movie sets because doing anything else feels wrong. Because why should I get a life when he didn’t?”

I look up to see Zach staring at me with drunken dismay. “Rowan, it’s not—”

“Don’t say it,” I say. “It won’t work. I know I wasn’t driving the car, but if that was enough to fix me, I’d be fixed by now. So, I don’t blame you for taking Eva to the show. How could I? I’m a fucking mess. I’m not good for anyone, least of all myself.” My hands twist in my lap as I take a breath. “But I’m going to get help. I should have years ago. But I wanted you to know I wasn’t trying to hurt you and I’m sorry if I did. You don’t deserve it.”

“Neither do you,” he says. “And Rowan, for what it’s worth, I think you’re brave.”

“If I were brave, I’d have gotten help ten years ago.”

“You had no dad, and your mom was out of commission. Isn’t that what you told me?” Zach raises a hand like he wants to touch my face but lets it fall. “You did the best you could for as long as you could, all on your own. Whatever you think you did wrong… You deserve to be happy.”

I smile through sudden tears. “Not so sure about that. But it’s not your job to have to pick up my pieces. You deserve to be happy too.”

“Happy,” he says, mulling over the word. “Hmm, yes. Someday, maybe. I need to get my shit together if that’s going to happen. But I’m making progress.” He makes finger guns and shoots me a wink. “You’d be proud of me too. I blocked her. Cut her off. Eva, I mean.”

“I know who you mean.” I smile. Despite all the pain in the room, he’s an awfully cute drunk.

“Yep.” He makes a slashing motion. “Finito. Done. Finally.”

“Good.” I gently touch near the scratches on his cheek. “No more of this.”

Zach takes my hand in both of his, studying it, turning it over, then gently tracing the lines on my palm. “So maybe…now is not the time for us?”

I swallow hard. “Maybe not.”

God, this hurts.

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