Page 80 of Falling Like Stars

“Oh,” I sit back.

“Too much? No pressure. I just thought it might be nice for you to meet them.”

I hear his unspoken words. That it would be nice for me to be around a family after going so long without.

“Plus, I’m pretty sure you’re the only person who could put Jeremy in his place. You seem to speak the same dialects of sarcasm. But mostly, I just don’t want to stop being with you.”

I set my coffee on the nightstand and scoot close to Zach. My arms go around him as I kiss his neck, his chin, his lips. “Thank you for the offer. It means a lot more than I can say.”

“But…no? I don’t want to pull you off your job.”

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to show my face there, but no, that’s not it. I need to think it over. I know you don’t think I can fail you, but the thought scares the crap out of me. Can I have a day or two? There’s something I need to do.”

I sit down in Dr. Baldwin’s “crying chair” and immediately start crying.

The therapist is wearing a mint green suit and delicate silver jewelry. Her smile is as gentle as ever, and I realize I missed her. Being in her presence makes me feel like it’s not just me fighting against my demons alone. I have reinforcements.

She hands me a tissue.

“Thank you. Now that I’ve started the water works, I can’t seem to stop.”

“I view that as progress,” she says, sitting across from me and assuming her Power Listening pose. “What happened?”

I tell her about the assignment that reminded me of the March Hare costume I was drawing the night Josh died. I tell her about my breakdown and how ten years’ worth of pain came pouring out.

“Losing it over Josh felt really necessary and overdue,” I say. “Like I can mourn him a little more cleanly. But I’m not…”

“Cured?”

“Right.”

“There’s good news and bad news,” Dr. Baldwin says. “The bad news is you will never be ‘cured.’ The good news is you’re not supposed to be. Not in the precise definition of the word. It’s not our duty to get over the events of our lives or forget the loves that we’ve had and lost. Rather, the idea is to integrate these experiences, learn from them, grow from them. Pretending they never happened or stuffing the pain away is never a good long-term solution.”

I nod. “I learned that the hard way. I’ve been seeing someone. Not one of my usual sleazeballs but a truly good guy, and I feel like I’m always on the verge of messing it up.”

“You feel deeply for this man?”

“I love him,” I say. “I told him I was falling in love with him, but it’s not true. I’m already very much crazy in love with him. And I thought that was impossible. That I’d never love anyone after Josh.”

“Does it feel like betrayal?”

“Yes and no. I know that Josh would want me to be happy, but it feels unfair that I should get a happily ever after when his life ended before it could really begin. I mean, what am I supposed to do with this knowledge that I’m responsible?” I look to her, half angry, half desperate. “Are you ever going to tell me it’s not my fault?”

“Would you believe me?”

“I…I don’t know.”

“I could tell you all sorts of things, Rowan, but unless and until you believe them and feel the truth of them yourself, they won’t take. But for the record, I know it wasn’t your fault.” She smiles gently. “But I think perhaps you need more than one session to arrive at that yourself.”

I nod and stare at the crumpled tissue in my hand. “I’m sorry I never came back. For the first time, I had help—your help—and I just took it and ran.”

“It’s quite common for people who’ve benefitted from a little bit of therapy to feel bolstered enough to keep going without it.”

“They bolt after one session?”

Dr. Baldwin tilts her head with a smile. “Maybe not after one session. But when white-knuckling through pain is all you know, getting some relief can feel like the boost you need to go back to white-knuckling it. Like a marathon runner grabbing a little cup of water. Except this marathon doesn’t end. Learning and growing is a lifelong journey with no finish line.”

“I was afraid you’d say that.”

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