Page 92 of Remember Us This Way

It’s not normal to be this tired, to wake up first thing in the morning feeling lethargic. Most nights this week I’ve gone to bed early after the dizzy spells hit, and damn it, it makes me so nervous.

I was only six when I was diagnosed with leukemia. I remember the day so clearly. It’s the day I forced Noah to fake propose to me in the backyard. Linc was three and running around doing his own thing, and Hazel was still just a baby.

Noah had gotten down on one knee, told me how beautiful I was, and then asked me to marry him. It was everything—until he decided he didn’t like my girl kisses. I suppose things really do change because now, it seems that my stupid girl kisses are his most favorite thing in the world.

It was maybe only an hour or so after that when my parents sat me down and told me what was happening to me, and I didn’t understand a single thing. They were telling me I was a very sick little girl, but I remember thinking they were wrong. I didn’t feel sick. I was fine, but the hell the doctors had in store for me . . .

I don’t ever want to go through that again. But this is different. This tiredness, this lack of energy . . . It has to be different, right?

Maybe I’m just imagining the whole thing just to keep myself from having to go to school. Besides, Mom takes me for regular tests, and in six months, I’ll hit the ten-year anniversary of being cancer-free.

The thought has my gaze shifting to the framed picture of me in that damn hospital bed. I feel a million miles away from that little girl. She was so strong. She knew exactly what she wanted in life and had the spirit and determination to fight for it. But that’s not me. I feel like that little girl is a ghost who lives inside of me now, slowly fading away and screaming to be heard.

Glancing toward the clock, I realize if I don’t leave now, I’ll end up being late for homeroom, and that’s not exactly how I want to start my first day of senior year.

Grabbing my things, I take off down the stairs, finding Hazel striding out of the kitchen with an apple in her hand. “You ready?” I ask.

She nods. “Mm-hmm,” she mumbles, clearly not thrilled about going back to school either, and with that, we walk out the door and down to my Range Rover.

I’m just backing out of the driveway when a call comes through Bluetooth, and Noah’s name appears on the screen. I press the little accept button on the steering wheel as I continue backing out onto the road. “I knew you’d be late,” his voice fills the car.

“I am not late,” I argue.

“Bullshit,” he mutters. “Hazel?”

“Oh yeah,” the little brat says, her eyes sparkling with mirth. “She’s definitely late. Had to skip out on breakfast and everything.”

“Babe,” Noah groans. “You need to eat.”

“I will,” I grumble, knowing damn well I don’t have time to stop and get something. It’ll have to wait, but it’s fine. It’s not like I’m planning on participating in an intense workout over the next few hours. I’ll be more than alright.

A nearly inaudible sigh comes through the phone, and I cringe, knowing exactly what’s coming. “You’re such a liar, Zoey Erica James.”

“Don’t you dare middle name me, Noah McAssCrack Ryan.”

“You did not just call me a McAssCrack.”

“Whatcha gonna do about it?” I throw back at him.

He laughs, and the sound wraps around me, thawing me from the inside out and giving me exactly what I need to make it through the day. We chat about boring things, but the second he hears me drop Hazel off at her school, the conversation shifts. “I fucking miss you, Zo,” he says, undeniable pain in his tone. “How are you doing?”

“Barely holding on,” I admit, being as honest as I can. “Every time I get in this car, I have to convince myself not to drive to you.”

“You can, you know,” he tells me. “I’ll drop everything, even if it’s only to hold you for two seconds.”

“Don’t tempt me,” I tell him. “Are you ready for classes to start?”

“I suppose,” he mutters, probably not giving a shit about his classes. “You?”

Despite him not being able to see me, I shrug in response. “I just want to make it through the door without being eaten alive.”

“Don’t let Shannan push you around, Zo. She’s a nobody with a bruised ego who has already peaked,” he tells me, and while he’s definitely right, it doesn’t make it any easier, especially considering that I’ll be walking in there without a single friend at my back. Shannan on the other hand will probably be trying out for cheer captain again and will inevitably become the most popular girl in school. I just hope that she’ll be spending the day more interested in figuring out which football protégé she’ll be digging her claws into.

“Yeah, easier said than done,” I tell him as I pull into the student parking lot of East View High, wishing I could be anywhere but here.

I sit and stare up at the school as the other students flood through the gates, most of them looking more than excited about being here and seeing all their friends again. “Zo, you got quiet on me,” he says. “You’re there, aren’t you?”

I let out a heavy sigh. “Yeah,” I groan. “I better get going.”

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