Page 77 of Remember Us This Way

I let out a breath, needing a second before I continue. “It’s been three years already, and I’m so ashamed of myself for not visiting you until now. I wasn’t strong enough, but Zoey is bringing me back to life. She’s breathing oxygen into my veins and keeping me going, and while I finally feel as though I can see a way out of the darkness, it also makes me feel guilty. How fucking dare I be happy and have love when you—fuck. You’ll never get to have those things, and I know you would have had them all. You and Hazel would have been just like me and Zoey, and maybe if you were still here, you would have already realized that she was it for you. Or maybe it would have taken you another few years. She’s only eleven, a few months older than you were when you—” I pause again.

“Hazel misses you. It’s different for her than it is for me and Zo. You were her best friend. There wasn’t a single thing that happened in her life that she didn’t run to tell you about. And even though I pushed Zo away for the last three years, I’ve leaned hard on the dream that I’d be good enough for her again one day—because nothing is as final as death. Hazel . . . When she lost you, she didn’t just lose her best friend, she lost every possibility of the life you two may have had, and I know she feels that loss every single day. I’m trying to be there for her, trying to be that friend she needs, but it’s not the same.

“I really hope you’re up there somewhere, watching over us all,” I continue. “Mom puts on a brave face, but I’ve put her through the worst kind of hell, and most days, I think she’s on the brink of falling apart. She holds herself together for me though, and for a while, I think I needed that, but now it’s time for me to be the man she needs me to be. I won’t let her down anymore, Linc. I’ll carry the burden on my shoulders. I promise, I won’t put her through it anymore, but she could really use a sign from you, anything just to let her know you’re still here.”

My elbows brace against my knees, and I tip my face into my hands, needing a moment to calm myself and find control. “That day . . . finding you like that on the ground. You have no idea how much I wished you would just move, just get up and walk it off like you always would. Hell, we used to play rough all the fucking time. I used to put your head through walls, and you’d just shake it off, but not this time. I’ll never get the image out of my head, Linc. It haunts me. Every time I close my eyes, I see you just lying there, staring lifelessly, and it makes me wish I could trade places with you. I would have done anything to be able to save you from that. I would have laid my life down for you, Linc. You had so much to live for.”

My voice cracks on that last one, and I let my words fade away, just sitting there as the shadow from Linc’s tombstone slowly moves from one side to the other. I’ve never once allowed myself to cry, to feel the overwhelming grief break me like that. Not the day he died, not even at his funeral. I always needed to be strong for Mom and Zoey, they were counting on me, but here, sitting with him now, just me and my brother, the tears finally come.

I let the guilt fade from my veins and blow away into the sunny Arizona sky, leaving me feeling refreshed and at ease for the first time since racing down that road and finding his lifeless body.

Then when Zoey starts walking back toward me after sitting and waiting in my car for what must have been hours, I let out a breath and get back to my feet. “I love you, Linc. I promise I won’t be a stranger.”

Zoey reaches me a moment later, lays the plastic folder of letters back where she found it, and steps right into my arms. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” I tell her, glancing back at the photo of the four musketeers one last time, my chest filling with a bittersweet joy. “I’m okay.”

31

Zoey

Having Noah back in my life has restored my faith in love and everything good. It’s been a few weeks, and every moment of it has been magical as we’ve rediscovered each other and learned all the little things we’ve missed over the past few years. It’s as though he’s slid straight back into position, right where he always belonged, and while it’s so easy and natural and feels like absolutely nothing has changed, it also feels as though everything has.

I think this is just our new normal, and every time something happens, or Noah wins another game, we’re always going to be filled with happiness that will be clouded by the pain of not being able to share that moment with Linc. It’s a pain that we’ll live with for the rest of our lives, but we’re not going to stop living or making memories because that’s the only way Linc would have wanted it.

We’re at the end of the football season, and tonight, the Mambas are killing it just like I knew they would. They’re playing for the championship trophy, and the buzz in the air is electrifying. It’s everything. I’ve never been so proud of him.

It’s an away game, but I’m not surprised that my whole family has come out to cheer him on. Aunt Maya sits between Mom and Hazel, and I swear, she’ll no longer possess a voice box after this game.

It’s a close game, and we’re well into the final minutes of the game. Noah told me on the way here that their opposition is known for playing dirty when they’ve got their backs up against the wall, and right now, they couldn’t possibly be more cornered.

The Mambas push themselves to their limit, giving it their all. They’ve never won a championship before, but with Noah on the team this season, they’ve pushed themselves during every training session, determined to make something of this, and they’re so close. Their hard work is finally going to pay off.

There are two minutes left in the game, and every last person is on their feet in anticipation. Principal Daniels and Coach Martin look as though they’re about to throw themselves onto the field and join in. The cheerleaders can’t seem to remember their routine because they’re all glued to the game.

It’s insane.

I’ve been to a few of Noah’s championship games when we were younger, but they were nothing like this. The stakes are higher, and a lot of these players have college riding on their performance, something they might not have been able to reach if it weren’t for the extra push they’ve received from Noah.

The Mambas have the ball, pushing through the other team’s defense, and I hold my breath, certain they’re about to get one more touchdown in for the night. The fans go insane, and the stands vibrate under the intense weight of the anxious crowd.

My ears ache from the constant screaming, but I don’t dare stop, both Hazel and I are about ready to lose our minds. Cameron Landry has the ball and I watch with wild anticipation as he breaks through and makes a run for it, cradling the ball like it’s the most precious cargo in the world.

He sprints toward the end zone and the whole crowd seems to hold their breath in unison as the other team quickly gains on him. “GO. GO. GO,” Hazel roars beside me, sounding possessed.

The Mambas run after Cameron, trying to help him, but he’s too far out, so he’s on his own. Three guys are there, and he manages to dodge one, but the other two aren’t having it. He’s so close to the end zone. He only has to hold on a little while longer, push a little harder, but they fly at him with the force of a freight train. With so little time left on the clock, the other team is determined to keep the Mambas from scoring.

They finally reach him and Cameron goes down hard under their weight. The whole crowd gasps at the impact, and when both players get off him, Cameron is left motionless on the ground. There’s a horrified silence that settles over both sides of the stadium as we wait for him to recover, and then just like that, he’s back on his feet.

“Holy crap,” Aunt Maya says. “I thought he was in trouble there.”

“This is terrifying,” my mom says to Aunt Maya. “I don’t know how you deal with this. If my girls were getting taken down like that, I’d be a wreck.”

“Tequila,” Aunt Maya says with a smirk. “A lot of tequila.”

The crowd roars and my heart has never raced faster.

Okay, that’s not true. The very first day when I saw Noah in the student office and he walked right into me, that overwhelming delicious scent wrapping around me, that’s the fastest my heart has ever pounded. This is a close second though.

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