Page 23 of Remember Us This Way

Clenching my jaw, I prepare to say the one thing that’s haunted me for the past three years, the one thing that plunged me into this world of darkness and has trapped me there. The one thing bad enough to force me to push Zoey away and keep her at arm’s length. “Those rumors,” I tell her, my voice wavering as the guilt and agony become too much to bear. “They’re right. I killed my little brother.”

10

Zoey

After shoving my books into my locker, I go to close the door when Tarni crashes into me, her arms flying around my shoulders and keeping me pinned. “Where have you been all day? I couldn’t find you this morning.”

“I’ve been around,” I tell her, feeling frustrated with our friendship. The comments the girls made on the phone last night still circle my mind.

“Come on,” she grumbles, letting me go before falling against the locker and waiting for my undivided attention. “Don’t tell me you’re still pissed about yesterday? It’s not like Abby knew anything about Lincoln. She was just telling us what she heard.”

I give Tarni a blank stare. “She was using the death of a child, one who I happened to be extremely close with, as a form of entertainment. Not to mention, suggesting Noah was responsible was just wrong. I get that she was just repeating what she heard, but that wasn’t cool, and the fact that you didn’t have my back was an asshole move. You know how close I was with Linc.”

Tarni gapes at me before amusement crosses her face. “Are you shitting me? What is up with you? Ever since Noah showed up, you’ve had your panties in a twist. You need to relax. You know Abby. If she thought there was anything really serious going on, she never would have said anything. You snapping at her like that made her feel like shit, and you know I always have your back, but I wasn’t going to make Abby feel even worse.”

“Oh great,” I say, rolling my eyes. “So I’m the bad guy for standing up for Linc?”

“I never said that. I just think you need to relax.”

“Well, that’s not about to happen,” I tell her, grabbing my lunch and starting to make my way down to the cafeteria, dreading what I might see after Noah’s performance with Shannan yesterday. “Noah heard everyone talking about Linc this morning and cornered me in the bathroom. He thought I was the one who told everyone, and—”

“But you were,” she says, cutting me off. “You told us what really happened.”

“Yeah, I know that, but he assumed I was the one who started it when all I was doing was correcting the story and making sure no one was disrespecting Linc in the process. But that’s beside the point,” I tell her. “He was getting all up in my face. He looked like he wanted to tear my head clean off my body, and then Shannan walked in—”

“Oh, shit,” Tarni gasps, her eyes going wide. “If she thinks you’re trying to get close to Noah, she’ll bury you, but if she thinks you’re an enemy of his and she can score points with him by putting you down, you’re fucked.”

“Tell me about it,” I mutter. “Do you remember the hell she put Lucy Stonebridge through last year just for thinking of trying out for captain of the cheer squad? They bound her to a chair and shaved her head. I can’t have that shit happening to me.”

“I don’t know what to tell you,” Tarni says, shrugging her shoulders as though she couldn’t care less. “What did you think was going to happen when Noah showed up? He’s by far the most popular guy in school. Every girl wants to be with him, and once people find out about your history, you’re going to be seen as a threat. And now that they see how adamant Noah is about hating you, you’re an easy target. Shannan’s going to use that against you. But be prepared, you know she’s only going to fuck with you right in front of Noah for his approval, and honestly, I can’t see him stepping in to do anything about it. Not now at least. Kinda sad though,” she adds as we push through the doors and into the cafeteria. “The old Noah would have walked through the darkest pits of hell to make sure you were the happiest girl in school. Not anymore. This Noah doesn’t give a shit about you.”

She laughs to herself and walks ahead of me, beelining for our usual table, and for the first time in a long time, I feel my pace slowing, not sure that I really want to sit with her today. But where else am I supposed to go? I have other friends in the school, but they all have their own groups they sit with at lunch. Hell, I don’t even know if I could call them friends. More like acquaintances.

Tarni, Abby, and Cora are my group. It’s been that way since I started at East View High, and I don’t want to mess with a good thing. They’re just going through a new phase. Their preferences are shifting. We’re all getting older, and their likes and dislikes are changing, which can only be expected, but unfortunately, all they seem to care about is getting the attention of douchebag guys, and it’s not something I want to waste my time obsessing about. I feel like they’re going on this new ride and have left me behind, but I’m not sure it’s a ride I particularly want to get on.

Perhaps it’s time for me to move on and find a group of friends a little more my speed, the type of girls who aren’t going to spread rumors about a dead child while suggesting that the dead child’s brother was the one who killed him.

Shit. It’s East View High. I don’t even know if that type of girl even exists here, otherwise, I’m sure I would have gravitated toward her years ago.

My gaze shifts to Noah at the back of the cafeteria, and unlike yesterday, where I hesitated to look his way, I suddenly don’t care if he sees the judgment in my eyes. I hope he does, and I hope he knows just how disappointed I am in him.

Mom was right. Noah is hurting. He’s a lost soul trapped in a world of darkness, screaming for someone to save him, but he’s also a complete asshole. Why do I have to love him like this? It’s one thing having him here, but this morning was bullshit. Why can’t I seem to let go of the past? He’s made it crystal clear that what we used to have doesn’t exist anymore, so why am I clinging to it so hard? I need to let him go.

As if sensing my gaze like a tug on that invisible tether, Noah’s head lifts, and those dark, haunted eyes come directly to mine, holding me captive. His eyes have always been dark, only today, they’re clouded by shadow. He looks like shit, like today has been hard on him, and I’m not surprised after all the talk of Linc this morning, but this isn’t right. There’s something more there. Guilt, sadness, overwhelming pain. He’s on the edge, ready to break, and knowing he needs me more than ever, my body jolts, desperate to run into his arms and tell him that everything is going to be okay.

My hands twitch at my side, ready to throw caution to the wind and run to him, but I hold back, knowing he’s not ready. Not yet. Especially considering the way he’s looking at me now.

I can’t fault Tarni. She was right. Noah looks at me like a leech who won’t let go. This new version of him doesn’t give a shit about me. I just hope that the old Noah is still buried in there somewhere. I’ve barely gotten past Linc’s passing, and to find out the old Noah doesn’t exist would feel like losing him too.

Noah’s gaze narrows, daring me to try something, but I can’t handle any more of his abuse today. I have a high pain threshold, but tolerating Noah’s constant rejection isn’t something I’m capable of. It’s wearing me down, and soon enough, it’ll drown me. But at least then Noah and I might be on the same level for the first time in three years.

“You coming?” Tarni calls back at me.

Tearing my gaze away from Noah, I look back at Tarni to find her walking backward toward our table, staring at me like I’m some kind of inconvenience. What the hell happened to my best friend? She’s always been blunt, but over the summer we’d never been closer. Now, she’s almost as much of a stranger to me as Noah.

“Yeah, I’m coming,” I tell her, wondering just how lame it would be to go and eat lunch in my car.

As I catch up with her, I can’t help stealing one last glance at Noah. His gaze is trained heavily on his table, ignoring the other football assholes around him, and I know he senses my stare, but he refuses to look up again or allow me the chance to see inside.

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