Page 148 of Remember Us This Way

I let out a breath, not prepared in the slightest for what I’m about to read, but my gaze drops to the paper, unable to wait a second longer.

Dear Noah,

It’s almost comical how pathetic that sounds when you think of the insane journey we’ve been through together. “Dear Noah,” barely sounds like enough.

Let me try it again!

Dear my bestest friend, my soul mate, my twin flame.

My first and only love, my universe, my partner in crime. My first and last kiss, my one great heartbreak. The man who taught me how to love. The man who taught me it was okay to fly. My lover. My fiercest protector. My overwhelming happiness. My forever valentine.

My heart. My world. My everything.

My husband.

There. That sounds better don’t you think? It sounds right, and yet somehow still not enough. I don’t think I’ll ever find the right words to adequately describe just how much you mean to me.

I’ve agonized over what I was going to write to you. I’ve thought about it for days, having to start over and over again because nothing feels like it could possibly be enough. How could any words make this okay? How could I possibly take any of your pain away?

I’ve tried to put myself in your position and think about how I would feel if it had been you taken from this world, and I couldn’t bear the thought of it. The pain alone would have eaten me alive, and I know without a doubt that I wouldn’t have been strong enough to pull through. But you’re different, Noah. You’ve always been strong enough for both of us. You’ve carried me through these past six months, and I’m so grateful. I need you to know that, and I need you to understand, without you standing by my side, holding my hand every step of the way, I wouldn’t have made it this far. You’ve lent me your strength and given me the courage to hold on.

I feel as though I have so much I need to say to you, and I could honestly go on for pages telling you how much I love you and how every single time you smiled at me, I felt like I could fly. But you know all of this because you’ve felt it right along with me. You took my hand, and we ran through life together, full steam ahead, and you never let me fall. You were my protector. My warrior. And you fought for me, even when you didn’t realize you were.

Ah, crap! Look at me crying all over the paper. I’m smudging everything! Though, somehow, I don’t think you mind. You’ve always just gone with the flow, been so chill about everything . . . most things at least. I can count more than a few times that temper of yours proved you to be very unchill! But never with me. No matter how often I pushed your buttons, you were always patient with me, always kind. It’s one of the reasons I love you so much.

I worry about you, Noah.

Right now, I hear you down the hall, sitting with Hazel. She’s still so young, and yet I feel like my sickness has forced her to grow up before her time. I think you need each other. I can hear you talking with her, hear the subtle changes in your tone, trying to make it sound like everything is okay. And I know she will buy it, everyone always does, but I know you too well. I hear the pain in your voice. I hear the way you’re hurting, and it kills me because I know it’s only going to get worse before it gets better.

These next few years are going to be hard for you, but I need you to know that I’m going to be there every step of the way, just as you have been for me. I don’t know where I’m going to end up or what waits for me on the other side, but I feel it in my gut that everything is going to be okay. I’m going to be okay.

Wherever I am, just know that I’ll be free. I won’t be hurting anymore or trapped in a disease-riddled body, and I want you to think about that when you’re missing me, and it becomes too hard. I want you to know that even though I would give anything to be in your arms right now, I am where I need to be. Whether that’s in heaven or some other form of afterlife, who knows. Maybe the whole reincarnation thing is real, and right now, I’m in the middle of learning how to fly. And if that’s the case, I hope you always leave your window open for me because you know I’m coming back as a bird. And no, definitely not a dirty pigeon. Something beautiful. Something that can soar higher than the stars.

These past eighteen years with you have been a whirlwind, and if I had the choice to do them again, I would. I would always do it again because the feeling of being loved so fiercely by such an incredible, loyal, and pure-hearted man was the greatest experience any woman could ever imagine, and you gave it to me every single day.

I hope you know just how happy you made me.

I know you don’t want to hear it, and that you’re definitely not ready to have this conversation, but one day when the time is right, I hope you can find it in you to be happy. I want you to open your heart again and allow yourself to find love. Have a bazillion kids with those dark eyes and your quick temper, and for your mom’s sake, I hope they give you hell, just like you and Linc gave her.

I know it’s hard for you to see now, but your happiest times are still ahead of you. You have so much to look forward to. I want you to find hope, love, and joy. God, Noah. I have so many dreams for you. I want you to push through with college and do something incredible. Though, between you and me, we both know you’ll be a superstar playing in the NFL. And when you are, when you look up at the stands, I want you to picture my face, picture the way I would cheer for you, and when you do, I want you to smile.

I want you to push yourself in your classes, push yourself in your personal relationships, push boundaries, and push good times. Go on all the camping trips, explore the world, and try new things. Build a dream home, and fill it with laughter, but don’t forget to check in with your mom every day, especially during these years you’re away at college.

Maybe set her up with a hot pool boy. She’ll love that, but do yourself a favor and avoid my place on Friday night wine night. If our moms are going to be drinking and talking about hot pool boys, trust me when I say that’s a conversation you’re going to want to avoid!

I’m not really sure what else I should say.

I knew writing this letter was going to be hard, but I wasn’t prepared for just how excruciating it would be. It’s okay, though, because I know you’ll be walking back through my door any minute now, and when you do, you’re going to hold me so tight. You’ll press a soft kiss to my lips and then you’ll brush your fingers up and down my arm until I fall asleep.

You’ve always known exactly what to do. Which is how I know you’ll be okay now. You need to trust yourself, trust that you’re making the right decisions, trust your gut, and when in doubt, just take a moment to breathe.

I’m not ready to say goodbye to you, so I won’t. Instead, all I’m going to say is the one thing that matters. I love you. I’ve loved you today, yesterday, and will continue to love you every moment until the end of time.

I will always be waiting for you, Noah.

Your Zoey

xxx

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