Page 143 of Remember Us This Way

“I fucking love you so much, Zoey,” he says, lifting his broken gaze to mine.

Reaching up, I cradle the side of his face, looking deep into those eyes that I’ve loved my whole entire life. “You’ve been my whole world, Noah. Don’t ever forget how much I’ve loved you.”

“Never,” he vows, and with that, he brings his lips to mine in the most tender kiss—the sweetest goodbye.

59

Noah

My fingers clutch the single stem of the pink tulip I just picked up from the East View Florist, and I hold it to my chest as I pull up at my mom’s house. Her car’s gone, and I let out a breath of relief. This isn’t exactly a conversation I want to have with her listening in.

This shit is already hard enough.

It’s been three days since Zoey sat out on the roof with me, pouring her heart out and telling me her hopes and dreams for the future I’m supposed to have without her. She made me promise that I wouldn’t fall back into the darkness that consumed me after Linc died, and while I couldn’t get the words out that night, I’m going to do everything in my power to try and keep my head above water. If she needs me to promise her this one thing, then I will. Besides, how could I possibly let her down like that? She’s fought so hard to get this far, so the least I can do is allow her to leave this world with the knowledge that I’m going to be alright.

There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for Zoey, for my wife.

These past few days have been gut-wrenching. Her organs are quickly succumbing to her illness and shutting down, and while she smiles for me every time I walk into a room, I know she’s in agony. Her fingers are swelling, and she can hardly move, hardly keep her eyes open, and while I want to hold on to her forever, keep her here for my own selfish needs, I need to let her go so she can finally be at peace.

She doesn’t have much longer. I overheard Kelly mention to Zoey’s parents that it could be as soon as tomorrow, which is exactly why I’m here.

Clutching the single pink tulip, I push out of my car and make my way up the familiar path to my mom’s front door before welcoming myself in. I walk into the small foyer and cross through the living room before heading down the hall.

I stop at Linc’s bedroom as the heaviness weighs down on my shoulders.

How the hell did we get here?

This isn’t how this was supposed to play out. She’s only eighteen. She’s barely had a chance to live. I was supposed to give her the world, build a home together, and watch her belly swell with our growing babies. And now when I stare up into the stands on game day, I’ll be looking at nothing but an empty seat.

Pushing past the threshold of Lincoln’s bedroom, I take a deep breath, positive I can still smell him in here. It feels as though a lifetime has passed since I last saw his face, yet it also feels like it was just yesterday.

It’s funny how grief can come up and sucker punch you right in the gut. Just when you think you’re doing okay, something happens and you’re all the way back at square one, down on your knees, unable to breathe. That’s what it feels like mourning my little brother. It’s been almost five years, and while it’s gotten easier to get through each day, it still hurts all the damn time.

Fuck, I can’t even wrap my head around how much it’s going to hurt to mourn Zoey.

Walking around Linc’s room, my fingers skim across his desk, scanning over the papers and photographs I’ve looked at a million times before finally dropping down on the edge of his bed, Zoey’s tulip still clutched tightly between my fingers.

Bracing my elbows on my knees, I lean forward, taking shaky breaths and willing myself not to cry—not here, not in this room. “Linc, I . . . I know I’m not in any position to be asking favors from you. I was never the greatest brother. I let you down over and over again, especially after you were gone. I hurt the people I love, Zoey more than anyone,” I say, clenching my jaw and needing a minute to find just a shred of strength to continue. “I know you’re watching over us. There are times when I feel you and it’s as though I could swear you were right there in the room with me. I know you see what’s happening with Zoey. It won’t be long, and she’ll be up there with you, and despite how much I want to hold on to her, she needs to go to be free. She’s in pain, Linc, and it fucking kills me seeing her like that, but I need to know—” I pause, my voice beginning to waver. “I need to know that you’re going to watch out for her. She’s scared. Fucking terrified. She doesn’t know what’s coming for her, but you can help her. Take her hand and guide her through it. Please. Help her find her purpose in this next life, help her to let go, help her to know peace.”

Tears well in my eyes, and I hang my head, taking a few short breaths when my phone cuts through the silence. I dig into my pocket, pulling it out to find Henry’s name flashing across the screen, and my heart contracts as I bring the phone to my ear.

“What’s up? Is everything okay?” I rush out, not bothering with formalities.

“Noah, I . . . It’s time,” he tells me, his voice thick with grief. “You need to come home to her.”

My phone falls away, clattering to the ground as my hands start to shake.

No.

No, this can’t be right.

I’m not ready.

We were supposed to have another day. She was supposed to spend the day in my arms so I could tell her over and over again just how much I’ve loved her all of these years. I need to tell her how my heart races every time she looks at me, how her smile alone could bring me to my knees, and how much I’m going to cherish the time we spent together.

We were supposed to have more time.

I don’t remember leaving Linc’s room, but one second I’m on the phone with Zoey’s father, and the next, I’m racing down the street, pushing my Camaro to its limits. All I know is that she’s dying, that it’s time for her to go, and I’m not there holding her hand like I always promised.

---