Page 107 of Remember Us This Way

“We’ve spent the last two days running tests,” she finally says, her hands framing my face as she holds my gaze. Hot tears fall from her jaw and soak into the front of my shirt. “I’m sure, Noah. We’ve ruled everything else out.”

Fuck.

I hold on to her, not knowing what to say as everything good in my life crumbles. She’s only seventeen. She’s not supposed to have cancer. She’s supposed to fly. She’s supposed to graduate high school and prepare to take on the whole fucking world, not spend her days in agony as her body attempts to kill her from the inside out.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you. I didn’t want to worry you unless I was positive.”

I shake my head, hearing her words but unable to take any of it in.

She relapsed.

My heart races and my chest heaves as I gasp for air, but I can’t seem to take a proper breath. My mind whirls with what this means for her. For us.

Chemotherapy. Tests. Pain. Hospitals.

Zoey searches my face, terror in her eyes. “Noah, are you—”

I take her hips and lift her off me before falling out of the car into the pouring rain. Panic surges through me like fire, and when the cold rain hits my skin, my thoughts explode. How could this be happening to her again? How the hell is this fair? Is this punishment for the three years of hell I put her through? Is this the universe’s cruel way of trying to take her away from me?

“Noah,” I hear Zoey calling behind me, but I race out in front of the car, into the glow of the headlights, and drop to my knees at the mere thought of the hell she’s about to endure.

Fuck. I can’t lose her. I can’t fucking lose her.

I crumble against the road, banging my fists against the asphalt, barely able to keep myself up as I scream out, the agony tearing at my chest, tears falling from my eyes and mixing with the rain that pours over me.

“Noah,” Zoey calls as I hear the sound of the car door closing, and then she’s there, dropping to her knees before me and pushing me up. She barrels into me, throwing her arms around me and holding me with everything she’s got. “We’re going to be okay,” she vows as I lock my arms around her and pull her into my lap, burying my face into the curve of her neck, terrified to let go.

“I can’t fucking lose you,” I tell her, the despair eating me alive. “I don’t know how to be without you, Zo. I can’t breathe when you’re not with me.”

“You’re not losing me,” she promises, her fingers knotting into my hair. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ve beaten this before. I can do it again.”

“Zo,” I breathe, not knowing what else I can say. I haven’t felt this helpless since the day my brother died in my arms in the middle of the street. Images of his pallid face and the blood pooling in the corners of his mouth swim before me, and I have to keep telling myself that Zo isn’t Linc. The feeling of her trembling body against mine is as real as the cold rain soaking through my clothes and the bite of the asphalt beneath my knees. I repeat in my mind over and over again, She’s here. She’s alive, as I hold her tighter.

“We’re going to be alright,” she promises as we kneel in the deserted road. “We’re going to get through this and start the rest of our lives together. It’s nothing but a stepping stone. I’ve got you right here holding my hand, and because of that, I know I can make it through this. Nothing’s going to keep me from starting a life with you. We’ve already fought through hell to get here. We can do it one more time.”

I nod, pulling back to meet her eyes, taking in every inch of her in the glow of my headlights and committing this moment to memory. “I’ve got you, Zo,” I vow. “Whatever you need, I’ve got you.”

43

Noah

The drive back to East View is agonizing. I thought nothing could ever be as bad as the day Linc died. Losing my brother broke me in a way I’ll never fully recover from, but knowing there’s a chance I may lose the love of my life feels like the cruelest turn my life could take.

What Zoey is up against . . . fuck. It’ll be slow and torturous. Some days she won’t be able to get out of bed, some days she’ll want to find a gun and put a bullet between her eyes just to make all the suffering stop. But she promised me she’ll fight, and I’m trusting her to stand by her word because a world without Zoey isn’t a world I want to live in. How could I? She’s the other half of my soul. We’re two halves of the same whole.

Without her, my life will no longer hold value to me.

She holds my hand, clutching it like it’s her only lifeline as I drive, barely able to focus on the road ahead. “So, you’ve been dealing with this for two weeks?” I ask her, needing to keep my mind occupied before the devastation eats me alive.

“Yeah,” she says in a small voice. “It’s mainly just been an anxious waiting game, hoping I was wrong or that it was something minor.”

“Two fucking weeks,” I mutter, not knowing if I’m talking to myself or to Zoey. “You’ve been a fucking ghost for two weeks, dealing with this, probably terrified, while I thought you were pulling away from me.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispers. “I didn’t want to worry you before I knew for sure. It could have been nothing, and that waiting game would have killed you. Having you not know and be the one person in my life not looking at me like I was about to drop dead is exactly what I needed.”

“I get that,” I tell her. “I understand why you didn’t want to tell me sooner, but how many nights did you cry yourself to sleep? Having me be normal with you might have been what you wanted, but it’s not what you needed. I could have been there, Zo. Every fucking night, I could have helped you.”

She swallows hard and nods. “I wanted to protect you from hurting the way I was,” she says. “But the second I found out, I was going to tell you. I don’t think I am capable of doing this without you, even if that makes me selfish.”

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