Page 92 of Hard to Take

“I honestly don’t know. If I had to guess…maybe because she didn’t want to disappoint you. Or she didn’t want you fixing her problems and she knew you would. You’ll always be her big brother.”

A sudden gust of wind shakes the trees, sending snow sliding off the needles.

I’m a guy who plays around and doesn’t talk a lot about feelings. So instead of trying to make it less of a big deal, I change gears.

“Remember back in college when we did tree planting?” I say. “They explained to us how the root system works. I liked the idea of a tree growing, getting stronger. That trees talk to each other, their roots taking more or less depending on how the trees are growing. I’ve always done that. I try to make sure everyone’s getting along. And I know you do too.

“I didn’t realize how fucking thirsty I’d gotten. Until she was there.” I force myself to take a long breath, shoving a hand through my hair until I feel it stick up. “She’s been there for years, but the moment she asked me if I’d help with that sorority weekend, the answer was yes. At first I told myself it was because she needed me. Hell, maybe that was part of it, but not all of it. I needed her.”

He blinks but doesn’t turn away.

“I’ve wanted her for longer than I should’ve. If you want to be pissed, be pissed about that. Because the way I feel about her now…there’s no helping it. And I wanted to talk to you about it,” I go on, not even stopping for breath. “The fact that I couldn’t sucked. Because I’ve never felt like this about anyone. She makes me better, man. I can only hope to do the same for her.”

Jay’s jaw works, but he doesn’t respond.

I run a hand over the tree trunk closest to me, marveling at how it stands up to the winter. Stands up to everything.

“I want to put what’s between us aside for the team. If you don’t want to trust me again off the court… So be it. But everyone’s doubting us, calling us a one-hit wonder. We have to prove that we’ve still got it.”

Jay paces in front of me. There’s a good chance he’ll tell me to fuck off. When he stalks toward me, getting right in my face, I think he’s going to do more than talk.

“Aright,” he says at last.

“We’re good?” I can barely hope for it.

“We’re teammates. We need to get this back on track or else we’ll be watching the playoffs from our sofas.”

“And friends?”

He shakes his head. “That’s for another day.”

It’s not everything, but I’ll take what I can.

Jay looks around. “It’s fucking cold here. How do we get back?”

“We’re only twenty minutes from Kodiak Camp.”

He curses at me. “Which way?”

I pull out my phone. Then realize there’s no signal. “Guess it’s good we’ve got nowhere to be today.”

29

BROOKE

The email from Vivaro was brief, pointed, and reeked of lawyers.

We take all allegations very seriously.

We will investigate these claims.

Your contract will be suspended while we do so.

The punchline was clear: no more work with them for the time being, and so no more money coming in. It’s probably true that my shot of future collaborations is over, but I decided it’s worth the price.

I don’t want to be the kind of person who builds a brand while turning a blind eye to the experience of others.

I want to be a woman who’ll stand up for other people. It’s what I wanted in college, while I was a Kappa. It’s what came out at the retreat, and though I haven’t always seen a pathway to being that, this opportunity was clear.

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