Page 14 of Burden to Bear

He shook his head. “I don’t think so.”

My shoulders fell. “I know we weren’t planning this, Todd. I realize it’s unexpected. But I think we’re going to be okay. We can do this.”

“No, Mia. No, we can’t.”

I jerked back. “Why would you say that?”

“Because it’s the truth. I don’t want a baby. I’m not ready for a baby. You’ve got to… you’ve got to take care of this,” he ordered.

“Take care of this? What exactly do you mean by that?” I questioned him, feeling worse and worse with each second that passed.

“Take care of it,” he repeated. “You need to get rid of it.”

“It? You mean, our baby?”

This wasn’t going anything like I had expected. Sure, I realized Todd might have experienced a bit of shock over the news, but I never thought he’d react like this. I wholeheartedly believed he would have at least given me a hug and insisted we’d make it through okay.

“No, Mia. I don’t want a baby. If you…” He trailed off, and I grew impatient.

“What, Todd? If I what?”

He looked down at the gift I’d gotten, the gift I ran out immediately on Friday after taking the test to purchase, and a look of disgust washed over him. Todd set the box aside, placing it on the cushion beside him. “I can’t do this.”

Though I already felt horrible about where this was going, it didn’t stop me from pushing it further. “Do what exactly?”

Todd brought his eyes to mine, took a deep breath, and deadpanned, “I think we need to separate right now.”

My stomach sank. “I tell you I’m pregnant, and your response is to separate?”

He jerked his chin down to acknowledge I hadn’t gotten it wrong. Then he stood and confirmed, “Yes. Let’s take some time apart.”

“Until when?” I questioned him. “It’s Christmas Eve tonight. Are you saying you want to separate now? Tonight? You don’t want to spend the holiday together?”

Todd took two steps back before he began pacing around the room. He’d said so much that felt akin to having him sink a blade into my heart. But as I watched him pacing the room, I thought he was starting to rethink it. Or, maybe I didn’t necessarily believe that was what was happening so much as I hoped that’s what he was doing.

Believing that the man I loved, the man I created a baby with, could have this kind of response to this news was soul crushing.

Was I being unreasonable to want him to have a different reaction? Was it wrong to have hoped he would have wrapped his arms around me and been excited about this news?

I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what to feel. All I knew was that my heart was breaking with every second that passed.

“Todd, please,” I begged.

I didn’t know what I was begging for. I wanted something, anything, other than what I was getting now.

He stopped pacing, focused his attention on me, and said, “I’m sorry, Mia. I can’t. I don’t want this. I need… I need time.”

Nodding slowly, my heart breaking, I asked, “Do you think you’ll have a change of heart with some time? Maybe you just need to let it sink in. I know we can do this. I know we’ll be okay.”

He shook his head. “I can’t see that happening. I know it’s what you want, and I’m sure you think it can be that way. But right now, I’m not there. And I don’t want to give you false hope. I don’t think I’m ever going to get there.”

My body was shaking as the tears rolled down my cheeks. “I can’t believe what you’re saying,” I whispered. “Just like that, you can shut it off? I thought you loved me.”

Todd ignored my question and didn’t deny my accusation. He merely replied, “I don’t want a baby, Mia. Not with you, not with anyone.”

I could barely swallow past the lump that had formed in my throat, the aching pain unbearable.

There was nothing left for me to say. There was nothing I could do.

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