“So how come we doin’ park times now?” Lucas asks as I park the car and start up a stroll in the wide, grassy expanse before the huge old trees.
“Just a little treat,” I say, zipping up his puffer tight. The sky is clear of clouds as the sun slowly sets—night falls early here in late fall—but the breeze has a bite.
“Is it because I drewded such a good dinosaur at daycare today?” He starts jumping in circles around me as I walk, and I smile.
I haven’t even seen his drawing, but I nod anyway. “Sure, baby. Did you have fun drawing it?”
“Yeah!” He comes up in front of me and begins walking backwards, his huge blue eyes glued into mine intently as he begins to describe his artwork in detail, throwing his arms around for emphasis and nearly tripping over several times in his enthusiasm. I listen with half an ear, already feeling better just being around my happy little son, and doing my best to clear my thoughts of the negativity they’d been drowning in today from Brad’s constant messages.
I’ve honestly never seen that man so determined about anything before, at least not anything outside of his gaming console. It’s only been a few weeks since I left home—and exactly one week to the day since I slept with Oli, although I immediately shove that thought away and refuse to examine it. After our big ‘date’ last Friday evening, Oli’s ex apparently backed off with the calls and harassment, and for the weekend at least, so did Brad. After he saw us at breakfast, I had a glorious two days of silence. But then Monday hit and it was like he clocked on at work again—if refusing to let me forget about his existence was his job. Liking old photos of us on Facebook, sending me pictures of the three of us looking happy with messages like, ‘I miss us’, and, ‘Family never dies,’. But by far the worst, the hardest to ignore, are his constant texts. It’s like he knows that no matter how much I avoid him, my curiosity will get the best of me, and I’ll end up reading everything he sends just before bed. The only good thing is that ever since Oli came around to mine while Brad barged in on me, my ex has not made any more uninvited stops at my home.
“Mamma, can I run to the trees and back?”
I sigh and plonk myself down on a bench along the path with a nod. “Okay, but stay where I can see you.”
“Okay!”
I watch him as he zooms off, and think. The thing about all of Brad’s harassment is that I keep reaching for my phone to text Oli about it, even when there isn’t anything I need from him. At first, I would complain to him about Brad’s actions, and he seemed more than happy to engage me in conversation, until eventually I was messaging him over any old thing. He always texts back quickly and sometimes even calls, especially if it’s late and he’s finished at work. There were several times this week when he called while I was getting dinner ready, and we talked for hours as we did chores together. He invited me to lunch again on Wednesday, and I’d agreed, but then after we’d hung up, I realized I hadn’t even considered that he was asking me for the sake of our fake relationship. I was simply happy to be seeing him, and that… is a problem.
I’d canceled on him in the end, worried I wasn’t yet ready to see him. The problem is that my mind is still a muddled mess.
“Mamma, look!” Lucas begins to run around a large tree trunk, and I wave at him encouragingly.
I pull out my phone and call my sister. I figure if she’s busy she can simply ignore the call. But she picks up and tells me that she needs a quick break anyway, so I catch her up on my current thoughts.
“Am I overthinking it?” I ask, as Lucas runs back to me, stands with his hands on his knees and huffs for a bit, before zooming back towards the tree line again. “I’ve never had a one-night stand before. Please, oh wise one, lend me your wisdom.”
Ella laughs. “It’s not like I’ve had that many myself!”
“Okay, but you’ve had some,” I say, grinning. “Isn’t that how you met Rhokar? One-night-stand-turned-accidental-pregnancy-turned-father-is-your-new-grumpy-boss?”
“Wait, that was so confusing, give me a second to decipher that jumble of words…”
“What if I’m already attaching to Oli after just that one night?” I continue, rolling right over her remark. “I knew I shouldn’t have done it, but it was just so…”
“What?” Ella’s voice is smug now. “Fun? It was an excellent night that took your mind off your worries, rejuvenated you, and gave you the orgasms that I knowBrad hasn’t given you in years, all wrapped up in a no-consequences bundle of prime beef?”
“You can’t call him prime beef. It feels weird since he’s, you know… kind of bovine.” I sigh and rub at my forehead. “Anyway, the point is that I’m worried it wasn’tno-consequences.”
“Mamma, I’m gonna run around the trees again, ‘kay?” Lucas shouts as he pauses beside a wide trunk.
“Okay, baby!” I call, turning the receiver away momentarily so I don’t burst my sister’s eardrums.
“Tell me exactly what’s got you stressed,” Ella says in her no-nonsense tone of voice. “The fact that you’ve messaged Oli a few times this week? I thought you two were on friendly, texting terms since you met at my wedding.”
“That’s true,” I mumble, feeling unsure. “But…”
“But, what? Has he spoken inappropriately to you since you set your boundaries?”
“No, but we called and… talked on the phone?”
“You mean, like you’re doing with me now?” I don’t immediately respond, and when Ella continues talking I can hear the smile in her voice. “If you want my opinion, Gracie, I do think you’re overthinking it. You’ve never done something spontaneous like this before, and I think you may even be feeling guilty for actually doing something for yourself, for once. But you’re fine, big sis, I promise. Just enjoy the memory, repeat it as many times as you need knowing that you’re not taking advantage of anyone, and just… take the joys of life by the horns, so to speak. You work too hard, and you never play.”
I watch Lucas disappear behind the tree again, but several seconds go by and he doesn’t reappear.
“You might be right,” I mumble, before calling out to Lucas when he doesn’t come back around.
“Of course I am, I’m the learned wise one in these matters. Listen, I’ll call you later tonight, okay? I’m getting another call from a contractor.”