Page 117 of Frayed Bonds

“Cazzo,” I whisper, "I.. uhm.” I swallow. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” The face that looks at me doesn't hold any malice but instead seems genuinely confused.

“Antonio is right, I have been a horrible brother, especially to you.” I rub my palms against my thighs, the action reminding me of Antonio. “Ever since papá died, and even before that. I should've been there for you more.”

He remains silent and simply stares at me.

“I-I, uh, now understand what you felt like when Papá died. The shock and how it made you freeze. I felt that today with Adriano and when Valerie jumped in front of the gun. I shouldn't have held you responsible for it. I was dealing with so much and I see now that I was looking for someone to blame. It was all so much responsibility to take on at once and I was so angry... It isn’t an excuse but that’s how I felt in the moment and I’m so sorry you had to be the one at the receiving end of it.”

“It wasn't supposed to be your responsibility to bear alone you know,” he says and I look up to meet his eyes. “We were ready to help you. To be there whenever you need it, you don't have to do all of this alone.”

“But I’m the eldest.”

“Can you stop with all that bullshit, I know Papá practically drilled that into you since you were sixteen, but we’re brothers and we used to always have each other’s backs. We wanted to help you but you kept pushing us away trying to act all tough and in control.”

“I had to be strong for all of you,” I shrug.

“No, you didn't, we needed our brother not a replacement for papá, I’m sure Mamá has that covered with Uncle Luca.” We both burst out into a chuckle. “You have to let us in sometimes Ambrose, we want to be there for you but we can’t if you keep shutting us out.”

“Well, I don't think Antonio would agree with that right now,” I slump back into the horrible seat.

“You’re so incredibly stupid,” Augustus says. “Antonio is upset because he feels like you've betrayed him, you're his idol, Ambrose. He’s always looked up to you and right now you've hurt him in a really big way, but even Antonio isn't stupid enough to throw away his bond with you over this. It’s just going to take him a while to heal and forgive you and Val.”

“Fuck, when did you get so good at shit like this?” I chuckle trying to hold back a tear threatening to escape. I already cried into Valerie's chest, once for the day is more than enough. I barely even cried at papá's funeral.

He shrugs. “I’ve been going to therapy since Papá died. I’m recycling all the things she’s taught me.”

God, I am a horrible brother. How did I not even realise he was going for therapy? Or that it affected him this badly, and there I was probably making it even worse.

“For the record, I accept your apology.” He stands and walks over to me.

I’m standing before he even reaches me, he offers me his hand to shake and I take it but I quickly pull him into a hug. “Grazie fratello” Thank you brother.

Chapter fifty-one

Valerie

There's a blue haze in the sky and I know sunrise is going to follow behind it soon, warming up the sky but right now, everything is perfectly quiet aside from the waves crashing in the distance.

Antonio is exactly where I expect him to be, sitting in the sand watching the waves rolling in and out. I sit down beside him, he doesn't look over at me and I don’t expect him to either. We both sit in silence staring at the water.

“Is this how you felt?” He speaks first and I look over at him. “Is this how you felt for all those years when Ambrose was clueless about your crush on him?”

I sigh and face the water again. “I don’t think it’s quite the same situation, Nino.”

“How not? It started as a childhood crush and you were just lucky it materialised into something more, I’m not as lucky per se.”

“I’m sorry Antonio,” I whisper.

“Do you love him?” I can feel his eyes on me and the stare feels heavy, heavier than the question itself.

I meet his stare. “I do. I really do, and I love you too, Nino…” I trail off not wanting to say it but he nods.

“But not in the same way,” he finishes for me. “I understand, Val.”

“Nino, you are one of the most important people in my life. I can’t lose you. I never meant to hurt you like this, we both didn't mean to. There was just never a good time to tell you.” I sigh and drop my head to my knees that are drawn up to my chest.

“I don't suppose there is ever a good time to say something like that. How long has it been going on?”

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