Page 73 of The Rules of Playing with Fire

She frowned. “That’s not what I said.”

“But that’s certainly what you thought. I didn’t expect you to confront her. I can fight my own battles. I just need you to stand by me, with me. I need you to trust me. Don’t you expect the same from me? But that’s what you always do, just walk away when shit starts getting real. I introduce you as my girlfriend, and you take the first opportunity to run away from me.”

She looked straight into my eyes, and her deep plum lips parted in shock.

“Maybe we should take a step back, Mihir. Sameer was right. We are really different people. This proves it. It was fun while it lasted, but this is messy and unwieldy for me. So maybe it’s for the best.”

I drew my brows in, deep with anger. “This is fucked up, Sona. This is unfair. You keep flinching, pushing me away, retreating at every step. Every time I think we’ve taken one step in the right direction, you turn and sprint in the opposite for four. I’ve accepted you with your flaws. Why can’t you deal with mine? I’m assertive and at times, aggressive. I’m not unkind, but I will stop at nothing to protect the people I care about. Right now, that includes you.”

She brought her hands to her waist. “Flaws? Did you just say you accept me despite my flaws? Did you also make a list of my flaws like that jackass?”

I stood tall with indignation. “I didn’t say despite,” I said emphatically. “I said with. I want you to accept me with my flaws as I’ve accepted you with yours, like trying to run away from me the moment it starts to get real.”

My temper was already in flares after Anju’s nonsense, and now this shit was getting out of hand real fast. I knew Sona’s past held up red flags before her but I wanted her to pause and give us a moment to mull it over. Instead, she was already pulling up her guard again and running away from me.

She frowned. “And I’m so bloody grateful to you for accepting me!”

That was it. The lid was completely blown off.

“You’re deliberately missing the point, Sona,” I grumbled deeply. “And if this is yet another tactic to push me away, you win. I’m done trying to convince you. You want out? There you go, you’re free.”

I stormed away without waiting for her response. I had many virtues, but keeping a cool head in the face of anger wasn’t one of them. But anger wasn’t the only reason I was walking away from her.

One thing I’d learned about Sona was that I needed to give her space. I couldn’t force upon her the realization that she wanted me in her life. No amount of words, cajoling, or persuasion was bound to sway her decision. The closer I pulled her, the farther she would recoil. She would have to arrive at the conviction on her own accord that I wouldn’t forgo her like her asshole ex. Yes, she thought she was playing with fire, but I wanted her to recognize that this fire was committed to nurturing her, not burning her down to ashes.

And if she decided she wanted me, I needed her to voice it in precise words. I had to hear that she desired me to the same degree that I coveted her. She had to walk back into my arms of her own will.

I wanted her to fight for me, even if it meant fighting herself for it.

SONA

My body shuddered against the chill of the night as I walked back to the mandap. I took my seat next to Sneha aunty, my teeth suddenly chattering wildly.

“Kya hua beta?” she asked with concern, throwing a glance over her shoulder to see if she could spot her son. He was nowhere to be found.

“Nothing happened, Aunty,” I said, trying to gain a control over my shivering body. “I’m cold for some reason.”

She pulled an intricately embroidered wool shawl resting on the chair beside her and draped it on me. “Here, this should make it better. Let me grab a coat for you.”

I held her hand. “It’s alright, Aunty. I think this should be enough.”

She patted my hand before I pulled the shawl snugly against me, hoping to regain some self-composure.

Had I just ended it with Mihir?

He had ended it with me!

I had let the insecurities stemming from my past push away the only man who had truly seen me for who I was. Yes, we were different people—as I had dramatically declared—but he still understood me better than any other man I had met.

The fear that he would cast me away when he was bored always seemed to loom over me. Hearing Anju’s caustic words reignited the dread, spurring me to push him away yet again. If he had cast her away without second thought, why wouldn’t he do it to me?

Except I had not expected him to give up on us this easily. I had wanted to take a small step back, not sever the relationship altogether. I had wanted him to reassure me, to yank me into his arms and tell me to not be silly. I had wanted him to take my mouth into a frenzied kiss and assure me that whatever qualms I harbored about us were unfounded. I had wanted him to fight for me, even if it meant fighting me for it.

Instead, he had pulled away as if he was waiting for the opportunity to drop me from his life.

Then, of course, there was the flaws thing. If he really saw me as flawed, could I ever live up to his expectations? He was a multipotentialite, he had said. Were my indecisions and insecurities too much for him to handle?

I saw Aunty reading my face with a concerned look. “Is everything alright? Where’s Mihir?”

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